DepressionDiaries: The Box

I’ve been looking back on my life recently (I know, bad thing to do) and I’ve come to realise… I’ve spent my life living in a box. Not an actual box obviously but a metaphorical one.

For years I thought I would grow up to be an actress but then something changed, my heart wasn’t in it anymore and I realised the main reason I wanted to be an actress was because I felt it was the only thing I had going for me, the only thing about me people appreciated. I also had people all through my life (teachers, peers and my parents) telling me that I SHOULD do drama at GCSE, that I SHOULD be on stage, that I SHOULD go to drama school. I know I’m a talented actress, hell, pretty much everyday I would act like everything was fine and people believed me but that doesn’t mean I HAVE to be an actress.

In my second year of college I felt that acting just wasn’t my thing anymore, I didn’t need it. For a long time I used acting as an escape from myself but now I wanted to be myself, I was sick of pretending. It was at this point that I felt I was being pushed down the acting route by so many people that in the end I started pushing back.

I’d been living in a box; obeying people’s orders, listening to hurtful things and not standing up for what I believe in. The box was created by me and it was made of people’s insults, my acting talent and fear of disapproval. All of these things trapping me in a “comfort zone” although it was never very comfortable, the box prevented me from exploring my other talents and myself as a person.

It wasn’t until I started straying away from the acting route and “lifting the lid on the box” that I realised how trapped I was. I’d discovered more interests such as gaming, photography, art and writing. All of which I could pursue with the time I had once I’d left college. I have felt lost since leaving my life box as I’d been so focused on what others were saying and telling me to do that I had no idea who I am.

I realise this box was probably to do with my BPD; having a fear of others disliking and leaving you so you do what they want you to do instead of listening to yourself but that means you spend your life walking the footsteps of someone else instead of creating your own path which then leads to your identity being a blank slate and greatly influenced by others. Now I’m pretty much alone in my life, I have to figure out my true self. I’ve already figured out that I’m bisexual,I’m a blogger and I enjoy reading  but I’m not sure what I want to do career wise. I’m sure that will come in time though…

 

 

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3 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: The Box

  1. Rayne says:

    Small steps… You’ll get there. “I’ve been looking back on my life recently (I know, bad thing to do)”. It’s not a bad thing at all. We all need to do this from time to time. There’s a difference between living in the past, and looking back to discover/uncover new truths and see how we’ve grown or remained stuck.

    Liked by 1 person

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