DepressionDiaries: My Sexuality 

I didn’t realise I was attracted to girls until I started going to college. I was extremely reluctant to admit to myself that I may not be straight.

I had a close bond with a girl in high school so close that there was a rumour that she and I were lesbians. Not true because at the time I didn’t even think about other girls in THAT way or even boys. I didn’t like many people in high school and spent most of my energy getting the grades I needed to get the hell out of there instead of relationships.

Nevertheless this friend and I received relentless bullying from most of our year group (the ring leader actually turned out to be gay herself, she’s got a girlfriend now)

This experience made me feel guilty and disgusted with myself when I did start thinking of dating girls as well as boys. It was also around the time I failed my exams so that on top of questioning my sexuality meant my depression had a lot of ammo.

It’s not all girls or all boys I like. Some girls I could see myself with but others (such as the girls I knew in high school) I think hell no. Same with boys some I like, others I don’t. I’m more the type to fall for one person very hard at a time. I’m still not over my former college crush even though we don’t see each other anymore.

I started joining Facebook groups for young people in the LGBTQ+ community to give me a place to belong and I made a friend in college who was also bi (we don’t talk anymore) so for months I had their support instead of that of my family because not even my mum knew (though I had been dropping hints)

I came out to my mum in I think the strangest way possible. I had tried smoking and my mum found the cigarrettes; she was so mad at me and I thought well in the shadow of me smoking being bi doesn’t look so bad so as my mum was ranting I said “I’m Bi”

She paused, tension in the air, I knew she didn’t have a problem with homosexuality but she had said something like “being bi is just being greedy” before which made me worry about what she would think when I came out. Her response was “Are you sure?” And I could have laughed if it wasn’t so serious.

I’d explained that my sexuality had been bothering me for some time and on top of college problems it made my brain a mess with all the conflict and self disgust going on. Which is why I tried smoking, I wanted some kind of stress relief besides self harming (I didn’t like smoking though so I just went back to self injury) she eventually came to terms with it and understood, though she was more bothered by the fact that I’d been smoking.

With my dad it was a similar response. I went to lunch with him one afternoon where I had decided I would tell him the news. I did and his response was “when did you decide this?” again I nearly burst out laughing but he was cool with it.

With friends I came out on Facebook, some I messaged personally but on New years day 2016 I decided to see who truly mattered so I came out in a facebook status and basically told anyone who has a problem with my sexuality to get lost. Luckily for me pretty much everyone supported me and didn’t treat me any differently which I am truly thankful for considering the years of bullying I had linked to sexuality.

Honestly right now I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone at least until I get most of my act together. I’ve had offers but declined, the person who I go out with will have to be very special and I just haven’t found that girl or boy yet.

NI2M ❤

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