I haven’t been able to take my mood stabilizers for over a week now because of my surgery and God I need them. Sometimes I would wonder what the point of taking brain meds was but now I remember why.
I am seriously unstable when it comes to moods right now. My thoughts and feelings can change so fast and I’m often either crying my eyes out or laughing my head off.
With my moods there is usually a dominant one. Before I came down with depression it was anxiety where i would get super excited and jittery then do something stupid and have depressive mode kick in and mentally beat me up.
Now though and for the past year at least the dominant mood has been depression. I didn’t realise this was a thing until I looked it up but damn that post surgery depression got me good or is that just my depression using the surgery as ammo?
I would often think about the things I want to do but can’t because of how sensitive my stomach is right now and I hate the thought of accidently ripping open one of my surgical scars so I’m scared to even touch them until they’ve fully healed. It makes me cry just thinking about it.
My self care is appalling, it was before the surgery and now it’s worse because I have a genuine fear of taking my clothes (which is basically just a long shirt and underwear because trousers dig in to my stomach) off for a wash to touch my scars. It makes me feel sick and want to cry, they look hideous and make me feel ugly.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror with my sickly pale skin, dark circles and entangled bed hair. I’m losing weight from the lack of food I’ve been able to eat and keep down. I never used to be bothered about my appearance I always thought I looked okay but now I hate myself and my body.
Other times I would be in a really good mood though and be able to look at myself in the mirror and laugh in good jest like a best friend would. I would look at my scars and think it could be worse, they’re gross but they will heal in time.
Dear God how much time? It’s my birthday in just over a month and I’m going away for the weekend I want to be able to eat properly and enjoy myself!
I had a full blown panic attack while writing this, it was like a scene from the exorcist except without the projectile puking thank God. So many thoughts and feelings. Anger, depression, terror and glimpses of happiness from time to time. So much conflict in my head, I need my mood stabilisers but I must consult my GP before going back on them. It’s all a waiting game and unfortunately waiting for things to happen is not my strong point.