DepressionDiaries: I Want To Die

Warning: This post goes into detail about suicidal ideation. And contains strong language.

The thoughts started a few days ago. The pain started yesterday.

I’m doubled over in pain as I walk. The doctors said it could be appendicitis as if my life couldn’t get anymore shit. 

They’re not certain though and I’ve been given medication for the pain and a possible infection. I have to wait for a couple days and if it doesn’t get any better or it gets worse I’ll probably have to go to the hospital… fuck.

My brain isn’t helping by making me feel bad about my life and how meaningless it is and how everything I’ve done doesn’t matter because I still lost most of my friends, have no job and I’m always unsatisfied with myself.

I’ve caught myself thinking whatever is causing this pain, I hope it fucking kills me.

I’ve been so bored, restless and tired and now I’m in chronic physical pain as well. FML.



9 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: I Want To Die

  1. Blooming Lily says:

    If it’s appendicitis that could be really serious – I’ve had appendicitis and they had to do surgery right away. It was the most physically painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I hope you get the medical care you need, soon ❤ xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • normalistoomainstream says:

      I get like that too.It’s like you don’t want to live but you also don’t want to and your own life because you don’t want to hurt those that care about you. So you’d be okay with being critically ill as it means you could die but it wouldn’t be your fault. That it was like fate or something?

      Liked by 1 person

    • autumnfire13 says:

      It totally sucks to feel like that. I wrote a post today talking about it all. You say that you wouldn’t fight a serious illness. I tend to think like about the guy that was shooting people at the Ft Lauderdale airport. If I had been there & I could have & if I didn’t freeze in place, I would have tried to take him down so he wouldn’t kill anyone else, even if it meant that he would kill me in the process of all of that. How weird is that?? I don’t really WANT to die. I love my kids, my family, my life most of the time. But some days I’m just tired. Some days I’m in physical pain. It a messed up kind of way, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. autumnfire13 says:

    I wrote about my depression today. I totally understand about the being tired part. The physical pain as well. I hope they can figure out what’s wrong & “fix it.” I know I’m not anybody to tell you what to do, but I hope you’ll stick around.

    Liked by 1 person

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