DepressionDiaries: Doing Better

It’s been a long while since I last updated and thought I better write something as my last post was rather bleak.

I’ve been doing better recently. The anti biotics worked so I’m not in so much pain anymore. I’ve been working on writing projects (mainly fanfiction)  it’s pretty fun, stops me from having depressive thoughts most of the time by taking my mind off reality.

There’s not really much else for me to say, just wanted to let you know that I’m okay;  been having sleeping problems but thats nothing new and if you don’t get any updates for a while it’s probably because nothing particularly good or bad is going on which is actually good XD

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I Want To Die

Warning: This post goes into detail about suicidal ideation. And contains strong language.

The thoughts started a few days ago. The pain started yesterday.

I’m doubled over in pain as I walk. The doctors said it could be appendicitis as if my life couldn’t get anymore shit. 

They’re not certain though and I’ve been given medication for the pain and a possible infection. I have to wait for a couple days and if it doesn’t get any better or it gets worse I’ll probably have to go to the hospital… fuck.

My brain isn’t helping by making me feel bad about my life and how meaningless it is and how everything I’ve done doesn’t matter because I still lost most of my friends, have no job and I’m always unsatisfied with myself.

I’ve caught myself thinking whatever is causing this pain, I hope it fucking kills me.

I’ve been so bored, restless and tired and now I’m in chronic physical pain as well. FML.


DepressionDiaries: Life After Death?

When I’m alone and the world around me is quiet I ponder my existence, question this thing we call reality and wonder what happens when we die. Deep stuff, right?

For my future novel which I may or may not actually write, I’ve been researching werewolves, vampires, ghosts, myths and legends. I was especially drawn to the concept of ghosts. In fact the thought of turning into a ghost has been the only thing helping me live really as suicide victims tend to roam the Earth as ghosts and I don’t want to stick around in this world any longer than I have to.

I was however still skeptical but also fascinated, I’ve been watching ghost adventures and have arranged to go on a ghost hunt for my birthday.However two days ago on the 4th I experienced something that convinced me ghosts are real. Don’t believe me? Let me explain…


The Foreboding tower of London

I was on a trip to the tower of London with my dad; I knew the place was supposedly haunted but I had forgotten most of the details of what I learned by then which makes what I experienced all the more creepy.

We went on a tour led by one of the beefeaters and the last place he took us was into one of the chapels (there were two) and when I walked in there, the atmosphere changed for me at least and I felt this sadness that wasn’t my own. I knew i was sad but it wasn’t how I feel sadness. Then I found out that Anne Boleyn, Lady Jane Grey, Catherine Howard, Jane Boleyn and Thomas Moore as well as many other people had been buried there after execution. Anne Boleyn’s ghost has been seen in that chapel according to research.


The Beefeater doing the tour


Next we went into the white tower where the beefeater had told us that the bodies of Edward IV and his brother Richard had been found on one of the wooden staircases but which one there were at least three that I can remember and the beefeater wasn’t specific. On the first staircase I didn’t feel anything however on the second one when I stood on one of the platforms I felt like the world was closing in on me, I felt that other times while there as well but this one was the most intense and I remember thinking they’re here before swiftly moving on. Afterwards when I arrived home from London I did some research and it turned out I wasn’t the only one having that strange feeling in the tower (bear in mind I’m not claustrophobic and I’ve never had that feeling before apart from in that tower)


A photo of the white tower taken by me

but that’s not all, on the second floor of the white tower (this is very hard to explain) I had a sort of out- of- body experience like I was still me but… not me at the same time. I had no interest in the exhibits and instead just walked the length of the room because I felt like that’s what I needed to do. Then I felt like something wanted me to go to one of the windows, so I did and looked out over the courtyard execution site. My dad came and I think he must have broke the connection of whatever I was connected to but I remember saying something like “I feel like Lady Jane Grey would have done this”. Later on I remembered that Lady Jane Grey watched her husband be executed on tower hill then looked over her execution site from a window in the white tower. Another thing was a ghost called “The white Lady” is said to haunt the  white tower, standing at one of the windows and waving at the children in the opposite building.

Other feelings I had were eerie and I felt it on my upper back as I walked close to rooms and old windows protected by glass panes. This happened twice once in the corner of a room where there seemed to be what looked like an old jail cell that must have been used by employees as there was a file in there but that’s when I felt it, that eerie feeling up my back where my instincts were telling me that I really shouldn’t be there. The other time was with what looked like an old window that was blocked up by stone wall I saw pipes just above the glass pane that was protecting it but again I had that feeling on my back that something just wasn’t right. I speculate that maybe the more hostile spirits were using those areas where no visitors really go (apart from me because I’m very nosy) to hide and that feeling I got was them telling me to go away. Maybe but I’m not sure.


Henry VIII Armour

I know I have mental health problems and I know I can sometimes hallucinate where I see or hear things that no else can but these are things that I’ve felt, very real feelings that can not be ignored.




Here are some links to the sites I used for reserach;


Tower Bridge



All photographs in this blog post were taken by me (sorry if they’re not very good)

NI2M 👻

DepressionDiaries: My 2016 (Found It XD)

Fair to say this year has been tough I dare say even tougher than the years of high school where I was bullied.

This year I’ve had to overcome failure and a lot of disappointment. Come to terms with taking medication and get to grips with a new diagnosis. I’ve lost friends and lost my damn mind!

Honestly I’m surprised I’m still here after the amount of suicidal episodes I’ve had this year I think it was an episode every month, fun times (!)

Key Events of this year are;

  • Coming out as bisexual
  • Spending a week on a psychiatric ward
  • Learning my nan has terminal cancer
  • Starting this blog
  • Leaving college… Twice

I don’t think I’ve spoken about my sexuality on here before but there you go. I came out on New year’s day last year and was lucky to have the support that I had. I may talk about it in more detail another time but now I’m getting ready to welcome the new year and hope that it will be better than the last.

I’ve decided to avoid making new years resolutions because if I don’t meet the goals I set myself I’ll get really frustrated and cause all sorts of problems for myself.

I’ve got plenty of things to look forward to in 2017 though. For my birthday my dad is taking me ghost hunting! May not be an ideal present for most people but for me it’s awesome.

I might even be going to Paris and Disneyland with him, granted his girlfriend and My half brorher would be joining us, but I won’t let them ruin Disneyland for me.

My female cousin is getting married in August and I get to be a bridesmaid!!!

But also I have a feeling my nan will leave us in 2017 so I’m bracing myself for that…

Anyway Happy New Year, folks. Let’s hope it’s better than the last!




NI2M ❤

By the way, This post went missing because I accidently scheduled it to be published on January 1st 2016 instead of 17 XD