A few days ago I started to get really bad anxiety causing breathing, sleeping, eating and stomach problems. More than that my mood swings seem to be far worse than usual, well usual for me anyway.
I mean yeah I have BPD so that can be expected but something is different now. I’m crying or feel the urge to cry a lot and I’m not usually like that. Being bullied and called a crybaby meant I sort of toughened up and don’t cry often but now I’m in tears and a depressive state most of the time.
Other times I’m happy, like, super happy to the point that I’m quite manic and observers would think I’m on drugs but honestly I’m not. I’m usually what’s called a “quiet borderline” I can usually bottle up my intense feelings and keep quiet until I eventually explode but recently I’ve crying, snapping at people and going wild unpredictably and it seems out of my control.
Maybe it’s because I’ve had to go out and meet new people (which I hadn’t done in a while) as part of my care plan.
Or see my nan becoming more frail and exhausted as her hair keeps thinning from the chemo.
Or maybe it’s because I’ve come to realise there’s a lot of gaps in my memory not just from childhood but recently as well am I that detached from reality? So detached that I can remember the lives of fictional characters in stories better than I can remember my own.
Perhaps it’s because Christmas is just around the corner and I have very mixed feelings about it. I’m worried that people won’t like the presents I got them or it will be the wrong size or they will already have it.
I’m excited to both give and receive presents and spend time with my family but I’m sad because I won’t be with my family altogether for long because it might be too much for my nan to have everyone around at once. This Christmas has changed… This is the Christmas where I grow up.
No wonder I’m so all over the place at the moment my impending doom of true adulthood is coming for me.
Anyway I just wanted to vent, I probably won’t be blogging tomorrow. So I hope that tomorrow is a good Christmas for you and I’ll be back soon.