DepressionDiaries: Christmas Panic Attack

Christmas can be a stressful time of year and don’t I just know it. A while ago I made a post about how my moods have been all over the place and worse than usual then on Christmas day it all came to a head.

I was finally able to give my mum, sister brother and dad the presents I’d bought because for once I had my own money thanks to one of my aunts who sadly passed away. So I decided to take responsibility for my own presents to give and this was daunting. I was really excited but so so nervous at the same time. What if they didn’t like what I’ve got them? What if it’s the wrong size? What if they already have it?

I saw buying gifts for others as a way of proving how much I cared and knew them but what if I got it wrong?

When they all opened their presents I got much better reactions than I had expected; my brother was actually sweet! My dad was laughing ( a rare occurance nowadays) my mum was delighted and my sister didn’t put aside my gifts and move on straight away.

When my dad and half brother left (they don’t live with us) I broke down, I was just so overwhelmed with the anxiety and excitement. It wasn’t as bad as other panic attacks I’ve had though there was mainly a lot of crying and gasping for air.

So yeah it’s true that mental illness does not stop for the holidays. My brain’s Christmas present to me was an emotional breakdown but apart from that the day went well πŸ™‚

NI2M ❀ 

DepressionDiaries: What’s happening to me?

A few days ago I started to get really bad anxiety causing breathing, sleeping, eating and stomach problems. More than that my mood swings seem to be far worse than usual, well usual for me anyway.

I mean yeah I have BPD so that can be expected but something is different now. I’m crying or feel the urge to cry a lot and I’m not usually like that. Being bullied and called a crybaby meant I sort of toughened up and don’t cry often but now I’m in tears and a depressive state most of the time.

Other times I’m happy, like, super happy to the point that I’m quite manic and observers would think I’m on drugs but honestly I’m not. I’m usually what’s called a “quiet borderline” I can usually bottle up my intense feelings and keep quiet until I eventually explodeΒ but recently I’ve crying, snapping at people and going wild unpredictably and it seems out of my control.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had to go out and meet new people (which I hadn’t done in a while) as part of my care plan.

Or see my nan becoming more frail and exhausted as her hair keeps thinning from the chemo.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve come to realise there’s a lot of gaps in my memory not just from childhood but recently as well am I that detached from reality? So detached that I can remember the lives of fictional characters in stories better than I can remember my own.

Perhaps it’s because Christmas is just around the corner and I have very mixed feelings about it. I’m worried that people won’t like the presents I got them or it will be the wrong size or they will already have it.

I’m excited to both give and receive presents and spend time with my family but I’m sad because I won’t be with my family altogether for long because it might be too much for my nan to have everyone around at once. This Christmas has changed… This is the Christmas where I grow up.

No wonder I’m so all over the place at the moment my impending doom of true adulthood is coming for me.

Anyway I just wanted to vent, I probably won’t be blogging tomorrow. So I hope that tomorrow is a good Christmas for you and I’ll be back soon.





DepressionDiaries: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I didn’t write about it sooner because I was so exhausted. Myself and a friend went ice skating in the town centre although there was no real ice just smooth plastic, close enough though considering it was my first time putting on skates. 

It wasn’t just my first time skating either I had overheard a conversation between parents and one of their children, they were angry because their daughter wouldn’t skate even though they had already paid for her to do so but she was scared, crying and everything. 

I’d started talking to the child, while her parents were there obviously, reassuring and encouraging her eventually she did go on the “ice” but unfortunately her parents were now preoccupied with her younger siblings. 
I felt bad for her, she was facing her fear and her parents weren’t even paying attention so it was me who congratulated her. It’s sad when a child has to rely on encouragement and support from a stranger, being the oldest sibling is a tough gig but I made her smile and boosted her confidence which felt awesome. 

After that my friend and I went on the carousel it had been so long since I’ve been on one that I couldn’t even remember what it was like. It was fun yesterday though and I felt like I got back the enjoyment of childhood I had forgotten. 

When my mum came to pick me up we had to go to Toys ‘R’ Us to do some Christmas shopping; fair to say I had some fun while I was there XD

Also I’ve had a couple of drinks with my guy friends this evening so I’m a teensy weensy bit tipsy…

NI2M ❀

DepressionDiaries: Bibliomania

I’ve recently come across the term Bibliomania which is an obsession with collecting and even hoarding books. Although it is not recognised as a psychological disorder itself it is said to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

For years I have bought and collected books but would only read a few of them usually because I didn’t have the time but as soon as I left college just before my 18th birthday I vowed to spend more time actually reading the books I buy.

For my birthday I had around Β£40 to spend so I went into a bookshop where there was a buy one get one half price sale and spent the money on roughly 6 New books. 

This continued throughout the year, whenever I went out I would buy a book sometimes more if there was a sale or I’d been having a really bad time which was pretty much all the time. I now have over 100 books and I will be getting more for christmas.

I’d said that I have been a book collector for years but it seemed to get worse once I left college and stopped talking to almost everyone I knew there. It’s like I’ve been trying to use books to satisfy my need for a connection to people and there is no better connection that you could have than with story characters especially when the story is told from their point of view.

Recently I started freaking out in a bookshop because I wanted to buy so many books but had to try and control myself because

  1. I’m spending way too much
  2. I already have so many books that I need to read but I haven’t even started.
  3. I need the money to buy Christmas presents for friends and family

I did manage to leave the shop with only one book but it was hard. It probably sounds stupid but maybe if you think about those stereotypical girls who love to buy so many shoes and handbags that they need a walk-in wardrobe and you’ll get the picture of me and books.

I was watching a video about Disney princesses with mental disorders when I came across Bibliomania which was used to describe Belle’s, from Beauty and the Beast, strong liking to books and reading them and how she falls in love with the Beast because of his library. I wondered why I liked her so much…


DepressionDiaries: What I Want For Christmas That Money Can’t Buy

I think the most common thing people would say is Happiness but for me I think that expecting to be happy with my life is a bit far fetched. I remember reading an interview a magazine had with Demi Lovato who has Bipolar Disorder and what stuck with me about that interview is Demi’s view on happiness.

everybody-s-fool-evanescence-20844666-500-375We have this ideal that is used in adverts that we could be happy and smiling all the time so people will buy what they’re selling, the people in the commercial make us envious and wish we could be as happy as them  but its all fake, lies, fantasy and trying to live up to that ideal of a perfect happy life makes us depressed when things aren’t like the idea of happiness we have.

However  being Content is much more reasonable; your life may not be perfect it may have flaws and struggles but you can accept that and be content with what it is instead of wishing for anything more or wasting time trying to make everything perfect thinking it will bring you happiness. So that’s what I want, to be content with my life, not necessarily happy but content.

Content = A state of satisfaction. Contented, Satisfied, Tranquil, gratified, comfortable.

demi-lovato-imperfections-make-you-beautiful  7da92e4b93cc8dfa3c1d192ec5940de2

NI2M ❀


DepressionDiaries: The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?

I love Christmas time, always have. The Christmas songs, the food, the excuse to buy loads of stuff and not feel guilty because it’s Christmas.

But this year things will be different. My nana has terminal cancer at age 80 so is far too fragile to cook Christmas dinner and will be too exhausted to have a big Christmas get together like we’ve done for years. 

Instead my mum, sister and myself will have Christmas lunch/dinner at home and visit nan and grandad afterwards for a little while. No dad, no aunt and no cousins to pull a christmas cracker with. 

We’re often so busy with our own lives that we don’t have time to all get together as a family apart from Christmas day and I love it when the whole family gets together.

Unfortunately this year it won’t be like that and while I do still look forward to Christmas a part of me feels sad that things have changed into this so quick. No one knows how long Nana can go on but everyone hopes she can have one last Christmas with us.

I’ve been doing fairly well though considering the circumstances. I’ve done quite a bit of shopping, decorating and making Christmas cards for people, although the depression struggle is still real, its good to have stuff to do so I don’t dwell in misery.

I suppose it could be worse at least I have a warm home and people to celebrate with; I feel bad for those who are alone or homeless at christmas. My prayers go out to those who find this time of year especially difficult πŸ™


DepressionDiaries: Christmas Job Disappointment

So a few weeks ago I applied for a job at my favourite bookshop out of town  but I haven’t heard back from them. Just like the bookshop job in another town I applied for in the job hunt begins. 

This was only a part time temporary placement over the christmas holidays but I wanted to do it so I gave them my CV and reference from my former manager at Oxfam. In this reference she said some very good things about me and mentioned the fact that my work on the book section of the shop helped raise book sales.

So I don’t get. I travelled an hour out of town 3 times in one week (the first two times I couldn’t see the manager) to speak to the manager about the job. Does that not show my dedication?

Also my reference is so good and shows how passionate I am about books and reading; not to mention not only did I work in retail but I was a trusted assistant manager even though I only worked at Oxfam for six months. Why wouldn’t they want me?

*sigh* maybe I applied for the Christmas job too late and they’d already chosen people for the job or maybe that’s how unfortunate I am and things just are not meant to work out good for me 😦 

Ah well at least it means I have more time to do absolutely nothing. Haha πŸ˜…

NI2M ❀