DepressionDiaries: Loving Reassurance 

I have this thing which turns out to be to do with my BPD that I need to be reassured that I am loved and people do care about me as I often feel the opposite.

To others especially my parents this is completely irrational but for me it’s reasonable as I just don’t understand love as my parents had been married for years and suddenly it all fell apart because my dad messed up.

So I don’t understand unconditional love especially towards myself. Like at what point is enough enough to call a relationship quits?

I often think that I’ve had to do things for other people to get them to like me but that almost always led to me being taken advantage of leaving me heart broken and frustrated. 

I would also try to avoid confrontation, arguments or just upsetting friends because I believe an argument means the relationship is broken and even if we were to patch things up I would not see the person the same way anymore.

I’ve had bad dreams where my family would turn against me and I’ve woken up to the sound of my mum leaving the house to do something and panicked so when mum got home I rushed downstairs to hug her. Although her friend had stayed behind to keep an eye on me and my sister meaning rationally my mum would come back but child me did not see that.

So people may think it’s irrational but my fear of losing someone close to me is very real and recently I would leave the relationship before the other person could leave me which I know is wrong but it comes naturally to me from past experiences and I’ve been told I have a habit of shutting people out or pushing them away but that’s probably because I’ve been hurt by so many people friends, family, teachers and bullies alike so it’s gotten to the point that I’m just like “screw it, I’m better off alone” but there is still that nagging fear of actually being alone, unwanted and unloved.

NI2M ❤

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