So today I didn’t go into college… Again. I just felt like I’d rather sleep. I did go back yesterday and it was a pretty good day but, you know, severe mood swings and identity crises basically everyday with BPD.
So my mum took me to the doctor to discuss my problems which are chronic fatigue, indecisiveness and questioning my life choices. I think I returned to college too early considering all that I’d been through over the last few months, I was probably better off taking a sort of gap year to get my act together.
Thing is I like the people at my college and using the camera but I really don’t like the coursework, the criteria is too specific and if you don’t meet their requirements you fail.
This college is better than my old one but it always comes down to sacrificing your enjoyment of a subject so you can do your work a certain way to get a certain grade even though photography is supposed to be about being creative and expressing yourself.
What I’m saying is I think I need to explore my interests more before I decide to do a university or college course. I don’t know about going back to college but I’m on sick leave thanks to the doctor for the next week so I’ll have time to rest and maybe work if I decide to stay but I’m not certain so I’ll just have to see how this week goes.
I’ve been doing pretty well since I’ve been on sick leave. I’ve been spending my time relaxing and taking care of myself while also working on my novel (I have a good feeling about this one) I’m fairly sure I won’t be going back to college but I’ve emailed my resubmission work to my tutor just in case I change my mind and want to go back.
I feel bad for quitting so soon. I feel like I’m letting so many people down, especially you but I hope you understand that this is what I believe is best I may go back to college as a mature student one day, hopefully by then I’ll know exactly what I want to do with my life but for now I think I’ll just explore my interests.
I hope you understand, I’m sorry if I let you down xx