DepressionDiaries: PMS, Depression and BPD (God Help Me)

I’m overdue a period by ten days and it’s driving me crazy. It’s usually around this time that my testosterone level increases meaning more aggression. ugh I feel like just randomly beating some one up or hurting myself anything to just relieve this rage but I also want to cry and scream and throw a full on tantrum. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this in a healthy way?

My depression also gets worse around this time meaning a lot of hopeless and negative thoughts such as “I’m nothing” “I have no purpose” “everything is difficult” “I wish I would just die already”

As if that’s not bad enough my symptoms of BPD amplify these bad moods and thoughts by at least 10x girls say how periods are such a nightmare and they are but the worst part of the menstrual cycle for me is the PMS especially when it lasts so long about one or two weeks before a period starts it supposed to be but for me the PMS phase can last up to a month, sometimes more.

Ugh I hope my period starts soon just so I can finally get it over with. Anyway if anyone has any tips on how to calm myself down at this time that would be very much appreciated.

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: Loving Reassurance 

I have this thing which turns out to be to do with my BPD that I need to be reassured that I am loved and people do care about me as I often feel the opposite.

To others especially my parents this is completely irrational but for me it’s reasonable as I just don’t understand love as my parents had been married for years and suddenly it all fell apart because my dad messed up.

So I don’t understand unconditional love especially towards myself. Like at what point is enough enough to call a relationship quits?

I often think that I’ve had to do things for other people to get them to like me but that almost always led to me being taken advantage of leaving me heart broken and frustrated. 

I would also try to avoid confrontation, arguments or just upsetting friends because I believe an argument means the relationship is broken and even if we were to patch things up I would not see the person the same way anymore.

I’ve had bad dreams where my family would turn against me and I’ve woken up to the sound of my mum leaving the house to do something and panicked so when mum got home I rushed downstairs to hug her. Although her friend had stayed behind to keep an eye on me and my sister meaning rationally my mum would come back but child me did not see that.

So people may think it’s irrational but my fear of losing someone close to me is very real and recently I would leave the relationship before the other person could leave me which I know is wrong but it comes naturally to me from past experiences and I’ve been told I have a habit of shutting people out or pushing them away but that’s probably because I’ve been hurt by so many people friends, family, teachers and bullies alike so it’s gotten to the point that I’m just like “screw it, I’m better off alone” but there is still that nagging fear of actually being alone, unwanted and unloved.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: The Psychology Team

Today after being promised an appointment months ago I finally got to see the psychology team for an assessment.

It was a very difficult session as of course we had to talk about my history including things I find hard to talk about such as my intrusive thoughts and trauma both of which I’ve been trying to keep out of my mind especially the stuff that’s happened recently but the psychologist wanted to know how I ended up being admitted to a psychiatric ward honestly I couldn’t remember the details probably due to detachment/disassociation or something like that, I kept having to try and remember what I wrote on my blog at the time.

When the psychologist asked me what I thought I needed help with I answered fairly easily that I need to work on my relationship with others as keeping friends and getting along with people are things I definitely struggle with.

They’re going to discuss putting me in group therapy which will hopefully help with my interpersonal relationship skills and I’ve been referred to ACE,a service that provides activities for the mentally ill who have a lot of spare time so that should help keep me entertained now that I’ve left college…Again.

After the hour of talking to the psychologist about school, family, friends and everything while she took notes and the student psychologist observed I felt emotional and sick because I had to resurface the memories I wanted to forget and discuss my dark inner thoughts which I had been very reluctant to do but at least I did talk about them. For a while I was down but after grabbing some lunch and doing some Christmas shopping for my parents I did brighten up. Now I just feel drained and dearly want to sleep so I think that’s what I will do now.

'...I just have a general mistrust of people.'

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I have Anaemia

Recently I got my results for my blood test and it turns out my iron level in my blood is a bit too low which would explain the chronic fatigue I’ve been having over the past couple of months.

You need a good amount of iron for your body to be able to produce haemoglobin in the red blood cells. Haemoglobin carries oxygen around the body so with a lack of iron comes a lack of haemoglobin therefore not enough oxygen is passed quickly round the body causing fatigue.

Symptoms of anaemia include;

  • Fatigue
  • Shortness of breath
  • pale skin
  • insomnia
  • leg cramps

There are more but the ones above I’ve been experiencing notably recently. So as well as melatonin tablets to increase my melatonin levels I will need to take iron tablets to increase my iron levels… Not fun but necessary.

I have officially quit college as now I’m not only mentally ill but physically also and I don’t think I would have been able to cope with the course much longer but it was well worth the time I spent there as I learned enough to be confident to get a DSLR camera which is pretty awesome.

Anyway, I’ll leave it here for now.

Sincerely,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: We Become What We Behold

So I watched Markiplier play this game called we become what we behold. it’s a short but effective game that leaves you thinking.

You seem to play as a photojournalist taking pictures of square and circle people on the street. If you take photos of people getting along it gets no interest but if you get shots of conflict and violence it gains more attention meaning more profit.

It has an inception sort of layout and the more violence you get shots of the more angry and violent the people get. An accurate representation of the media and us; we are drawn to negativity, it captivates our interest and the media feeds off that highlighting the bad happenings in the world and ignoring the good which makes us believe that the world is mainly full of anger and hate causing us to fill up with anger and hate. 

I hope that makes sense,we’re basically in a vicous cycle of negativity and people wonder why there are so many of us that are mentally ill with depression or anxiety disorder. Anyway I love conceptual and clever things like this so I just thought I would share it with you.

https://youtu.be/9DChl7GR-ow

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Sick Leave 05/11/16

So today I didn’t go into college… Again. I just felt like I’d rather sleep. I did go back yesterday and it was a pretty good day but, you know, severe mood swings and identity crises basically everyday with BPD.

So my mum took me to the doctor to discuss my problems which are chronic fatigue, indecisiveness and questioning my life choices. I think I returned to college too early considering all that I’d been through over the last few months, I was probably better off taking a sort of gap year to get my act together.

Thing is I like the people at my college and using the camera but I really don’t like the coursework, the criteria is too specific and if you don’t meet their requirements you fail.

This college is better than my old one but it always comes down to sacrificing your enjoyment of a subject so you can do your work a certain way to get a certain grade even though photography is supposed to be about being creative and expressing yourself.

What I’m saying is I think I need to explore my interests more before I decide to do a university or college course. I don’t know about going back to college but I’m on sick leave thanks to the doctor for the next week so I’ll have time to rest and maybe work if I decide to stay but I’m not certain so I’ll just have to see how this week goes.

07/11/16

I’ve been doing pretty well since I’ve been on sick leave. I’ve been spending my time relaxing and taking care of myself while also working on my novel (I have a good feeling about this one) I’m fairly sure I won’t be going back to college but I’ve emailed my resubmission work to my tutor just in case I change my mind and want to go back.

I feel bad for quitting so soon. I feel like I’m letting so many people down, especially you but I hope you understand that this is what I believe is best I may go back to college as a mature student one day, hopefully by then I’ll know exactly what I want to do with my life but for now I think I’ll just explore my interests.

I hope you understand, I’m sorry if I let you down xx

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Incense, Massage Soap and Fireworks

I went to the market today to buy some stuff. I got some arts&crafts stuff so I can make Christmas cards, a book (bet you’re not surprised) bath bombs and soaps from Lush and incense from a market stall.

We came back quite late and the weather was super cold but that meant I could come home and have a nice cuppa tea with some cake before having a bath then massaging my aching limbs with a massage soap bar I got from Lush.

I then tried using incense for the first time, I’d smelled it before in shops but never actually lit one until today; it smells so good and breathing in the scent is so relaxing.

My neighbours are having a fireworks display across the street which I have been watching from my bedroom window. I love fireworks but really don’t like the loud noises they make which is why I’m watching from indoors. All in all it has been a very good evening 🙂

Happy Bonfire Night! 🎆🎇

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Friend Troubles (strong language)

Ugh why is it so hard to get along with people sometimes? I like someone and care about them but then they do something that pisses me off. I’ve tried to get past grudges because I know that’s a part of my BPD and give people more chances to redeem themselves but to them it must seem like another chance to do the same crap again.
A few weeks ago I’d asked a friend to be my model for my portrait photography project; Now this friend has let me down twice before where she would make plans with me then on the day do something else without telling me until it’s too late but I didn’t want to think of her as a bad friend as I have so few good friends now.

 She agreed to do the shoot and even seemed super excited about doing it. Then last Sunday I messaged her to ask her what times she would be free this week to do the shoot (bearing in mind I had two weeks until deadline day and now it’s even less than that) but guess what? She didn’t even reply!… Again. I waited for three days before messaging her saying “Well if you don’t want to do it, you could have just said” because, you know, that’s the respectful thing to do. Definetly the last time I rely on her.

Another friend got jealous of me hanging around with other people and got all freaked out about how happy I was with them. Clearly forgetting that I invited her to join us to meet them and be a part of our group; an invite she declined which I was cool with until she read my blog post “Like a family” and got upset with me.

So last weekend I arranged to meet up with the same people again and, so this jealous friend didn’t feel left out or freak out on me again,I invited her to join us a second time and for a second time she declined the invite using the EXACT SAME EXCUSE as she did the first time…

My days and people wonder why I prefer to be alone!

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Going Down Hill

I’m going down hill again I can feel it. Like how it happened a year ago. I can’t focus, I’ve tried to do some work but instead I went into a panic attack; tight chest, difficulty breathing, crying and feeling sick. I missed college today because as soon as I woke up I was so tired and I felt like crying. I don’t want to go (to college) I thought to myself.

My half term break wasn’t exactly a break for me thanks to my brother and H but also the fact that I’ve been stressing out about college. I’ve also been let down by a friend who was supposed to be my second model for my portrait photography work but two days ago I messaged her on whatsapp asking her what times she would be free this week to do the shoot… she still hasn’t replied. Honestly I was kind of expecting it as she has let me down twice before but that just makes it worse you know? where you think badly of someone you care about and want it to be wrong but it turns out to be right.

My head feels wrong I think I may have another panic attack. Oh God, I don’t think I can do this whole college thing again. I’m losing motivation, I’m panicking, I’m tired all the damn time, I’ve started hurting myself again and just when things were starting to look up as well…

NI2M ❤