DepressionDiaries: Why I Never Liked Having Siblings

Now this is not to say that I don’t like my siblings themselves it’s more me expressing how I felt about the lifestyle I had growing up that may have contributed to my mental health issues.

My sister has special needs and while I understand now that she got treated differently because she needed to be, at the time, as a child I thought it was unfair. I felt overshadowed by my sister because her needs were often greater than mine.

When my dad left the family home. I was 6 and my sister was 10 but I became a second parent to her and I still am to this day because it’s not easy looking after a child on your own especially one with special needs. I helped my mum as best I could but I held resentment towards not just my dad but also my sister.

A thing I didn’t tell my mum until recently was that my sister during her teenage years had started physically hurting me. Scratches. Punches. Kicks and I never said or did anything about it because she has autism so I thought it would be wrong if I fought back.

Eventually when I was about 14 I stopped taking her abuse and started fighting back. She feared me and my uncontrollable anger but I didn’t care.

I was being bullied at school and the last thing I wanted was to be bullied at home as well. Nowadays I don’t have to resort to physical violence I just have to change my tone of voice and glare at her.

It’s usually when she goes to hurt me or mum that I get defensive but she’s improved now so it’s not often that I have to step in. Although when she goes into one of her tantrums it is very upsetting.

When I was 10 my half brother came along when he was younger I adored him. I would play games with him, read him stories but something wasn’t quite right in my relationship with him as well. 

As he grew up it was clear he was a spoiled brat and still is (it’s not just me that thinks that, other family members do as well) I don’t blame him though my dad let him get away with more than he ever let my sister and myself get away with (for example hitting out) and his mother has a habit of spoiling him or changing the rules to make him happy. I think they just wanted a quiet life so gave him what he wanted to shut him up but that just made him grow up to be quite nasty.

I felt used by his mother and dad because every outing was about him and I was basically the babysitter. It wasn’t until I became so mentally ill that I ended up in hospital that my relationship with dad got better and my needs has taken priority with Both parents. 

It’s not that I ever wanted to have depression or BPD for attention in fact I would love to be less miserable and be better at personal relationships. 

I’m just saying the truth at least from my perspective that things had to get so bad that I attempted suicide to finally be brought out of the shadow my siblings had casted over me.

Both siblings tend not to mess with me now because I refuse to take their crap lying down, I’ve had enough of it but my way with them seems to have worked. They are nicer than they would be if I didn’t challenge them. Seriously where would my parents be without me?

NI2M ❤

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