DepressionDiaries: Why I Never Liked Having Siblings

Now this is not to say that I don’t like my siblings themselves it’s more me expressing how I felt about the lifestyle I had growing up that may have contributed to my mental health issues.

My sister has special needs and while I understand now that she got treated differently because she needed to be, at the time, as a child I thought it was unfair. I felt overshadowed by my sister because her needs were often greater than mine.

When my dad left the family home. I was 6 and my sister was 10 but I became a second parent to her and I still am to this day because it’s not easy looking after a child on your own especially one with special needs. I helped my mum as best I could but I held resentment towards not just my dad but also my sister.

A thing I didn’t tell my mum until recently was that my sister during her teenage years had started physically hurting me. Scratches. Punches. Kicks and I never said or did anything about it because she has autism so I thought it would be wrong if I fought back.

Eventually when I was about 14 I stopped taking her abuse and started fighting back. She feared me and my uncontrollable anger but I didn’t care.

I was being bullied at school and the last thing I wanted was to be bullied at home as well. Nowadays I don’t have to resort to physical violence I just have to change my tone of voice and glare at her.

It’s usually when she goes to hurt me or mum that I get defensive but she’s improved now so it’s not often that I have to step in. Although when she goes into one of her tantrums it is very upsetting.

When I was 10 my half brother came along when he was younger I adored him. I would play games with him, read him stories but something wasn’t quite right in my relationship with him as well. 

As he grew up it was clear he was a spoiled brat and still is (it’s not just me that thinks that, other family members do as well) I don’t blame him though my dad let him get away with more than he ever let my sister and myself get away with (for example hitting out) and his mother has a habit of spoiling him or changing the rules to make him happy. I think they just wanted a quiet life so gave him what he wanted to shut him up but that just made him grow up to be quite nasty.

I felt used by his mother and dad because every outing was about him and I was basically the babysitter. It wasn’t until I became so mentally ill that I ended up in hospital that my relationship with dad got better and my needs has taken priority with Both parents. 

It’s not that I ever wanted to have depression or BPD for attention in fact I would love to be less miserable and be better at personal relationships. 

I’m just saying the truth at least from my perspective that things had to get so bad that I attempted suicide to finally be brought out of the shadow my siblings had casted over me.

Both siblings tend not to mess with me now because I refuse to take their crap lying down, I’ve had enough of it but my way with them seems to have worked. They are nicer than they would be if I didn’t challenge them. Seriously where would my parents be without me?

NI2M ❤

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DepressionDiaries: Stay or Go?

6 weeks into my year at my new college. Honestly the struggle has been real to leave my bed, arrive on time and do my work to the best of my ability. 

My attendance is 91% while my punctuality is at 75%… not good. My mum says it’s because I’ve been out of education for six months so I need time to get used to the student  lifestyle again.

 While it has been a stuggle to get through this last 6 weeks I’ve managed to come out of it in moderately good condition. Which I am proud of myself for.

It’s done me good considering I would be doing absolutely sod all if I wasn’t in college so it keeps me busy but at times I think I would rather be at home working on a new idea for a book or just doing nothing but sleep.

Some days I really hate being at college other days I really enjoy being there. It’s hard to predict what kind of mood I would wake up in and what kind of mood I would go to bed at night in.

I’ve been enjoying our new project which is portrait photography I’ve been able to get a lot of ideas for my shots but at the same time my ideas have to be good enough for the people that mark my work.

The fact that I didn’t do well in the previous project has knocked my confidence as well. So question is do I leave the college or Stay there?

After some thinking I decided I would give myself two more chances. The Resubmission of my first assignment to show that I can take feedback and improve.

Then there is my new project which I can see myself doing better with than the previous project. So next week is the resub deadline then the week after is the portrait project deadline. 2 or 3 weeks that will help me decide my future. 

At the same time I need to raise my attendance and punctuality. Those things I’m not so sure I can sort out.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I had a mental breakdown on holiday

My dad’s partner had pissed me off yet again by being her usual self and I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid her as much as I could although that was very difficult considering this was a “family holiday”

We went to this witch’s museum and because of my dad’s partner I took a keen interest in the curses. There was a souvenir shop and there I bought a voodoo doll pin cushion. I was so angry later I bought drawing pins from a post office.

When I was finally alone I jabbed the pin cushion in the “mouth” which is what I find most annoying about H. Her voice, the things she says basically so I stabbed the pin cushion and pretended I was finally shutting her up.

That evening I felt so ill from stress that I went to bed at about 7:30pm. My brother was upset with me because dad wouldn’t let them watch lord of the rings without me obviously because I am his daughter and came before my brother. It annoyed me how pathetic he was being.

So I got the fake voodoo doll and another pin stabbing it right into the stomach I’ll give you something to cry about you little shit I thought as I twisted the pin clockwise into the pin cushion’s “stomach” this time pretending it was my brother.

The twisted rage wouldn’t end. I could feel my lips twisting into a psychotic smile as I imagined their suffering. I could sense the hysteria flowing within me just waiting to burst out in maniacal laughter.

I texted my mum about what had happened and found myself repeating the words I hate them I hate them I hate them over and over again.

I also typed I want them to suffer as much as I do with them and I hope they burn in hell. This obviously got my mum worried but by morning the rage had mostly past over although I was slightly agitated I didn’t do anything damaging to myself or anyone else.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I’m Back!

Hey everyone! Did you miss me? I sure as hell missed you. Its been a rough week even though it was supposed to be a holiday and it was difficult not blogging for such a long time. 

A lot has happened during my holiday. We did a LOT of walking but we also went go Karting which was a lot of fun.

However there was a lot of tension between my half brother and myself. He had said some things that hit a nerve with me.

He brought up the fact that my sister is “disabled” he clearly only came across the term recently as he made a big deal out of it. It annoyed me because I’m used to my sister the way she is and I hate it when people say she is “disabled” I totally disagree with that term she has special needs yes but disabled? No she is my sister and I like to leave it at that.

He also relished in the fact that his mum was on holiday with us and mine wasn’t and kept going on about having two sets of grandparents while I only have one because my mum’s parents died before I was born.

We also started fighting over dad as whenever I got to sit next to him or have a hug from him my brother would always interrupt. 

I once said to him “you live with him, you get to see him more than I do” to which he said “yeah that makes him my daddy not yours because he doesn’t live with you” that hurt, that cut deep into my BPD scars renewing my childhood bitterness “I was here first, fight me” I said as the angry 6 year old me.

So yeah this holiday would have been more enjoyable if my brother and his mother weren’t around but that’s my family situation, not a lot I can do about it.

I have started a few posts during the week that need some tweaking before I publish them so you’ll getting more posts from me later today.

Thanks for reading,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I’m Going On Holiday!

Since I missed out on going to France with my dad, H and half brother because I ended up on a psych ward. I’m going away to Cornwall with them during half term break.

I’m hoping it’s going to be a relaxing but fun week away. I plan to spend it reading, sketching, colouring and writing stories, I hope the new environment and more relaxed routine will inspire me and clear my head enough for me to actually write something. 

I’m hoping it will also give me a chance to think about my options; I’ve been feeling unsure about my new college since I started I mean it’s definetely better than my old one but, especially as I didn’t do well on our assignment a few weeks a go, I just don’t know if I can truely thrive in a college environment with my mental health being so poor.

For now I’m just telling myself that as long as I’m not suicidal I’m okay. And I haven’t been so that’s good.

If I remember rightly from when I last went to cornwall there is no WI-Fi where I’m staying so you probably won’t be seeing any updates from me for the next week or so.

Get back to you all in a week,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Week 6 At My New College

I don’t really remember anything from the beginning of this week which means it wasn’t very interesting. The last two days (yesterday and today) however were more lively.

Yesterday I was in a really good mood I think it was because I knew what I wanted to do with my work, there were some bouts of frustration but apart from that things were good.

Today I was really nervous because we would be getting our feedback for our first assignment. When I did get my feedback I was devastated because I didn’t do as well as I wanted and I have quite a lot to do for my resubmission alongside our new assignment.

I cried in the bathroom for a while until my friend came to take me to lunch as we were working in the studio together before lesson but we had to eat first.

I was still upset for a while and my friend (we’ll call her Sonia) was trying to make me feel better but really wasn’t she had good intentions though.

We had a lot of fun doing studio work. We played around with make up, positions, lighting and mood. We had a laugh while also being able to get some really good shots which put me in a much better mood.

It’s half term break now so I will be doing some work but I’ll make sure I have a good break especially as I’m going on holiday for a week 🙂

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Fatigue

Fatigue has been a problem for me since I started at my new college nearly 6 weeks ago and it seems to have been getting worse. I spend a lot of time sleeping whenever I get the chance and get out of breath taking the stairs even though I am a healthy weight for my height.

So yesterday I went to see my doctor. He said  it could be down to depression and a change in lifestyle but he wants me to have a blood test in a few weeks to check for physical problems such as an iron deficiency or an under-active thyroid.

For now though as I have Wednesday’s off college I am resting as much as I can before I have to go back tomorrow although I doubt it will make much difference.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: I hurt myself but I’m okay with that…

Warning: This post talks about self harm read with caution.

Well… I gave in. I hurt myself it wasn’t just because of this bad day either. At college I’ve been getting super drained to the point that I would sleep the rest of the afternoon or evening away depending on when I arrived home.

I’ve been feeling very tired physically and emotionally to the point that I spend most of my spare time asleep or reading instead of something more productive that I like such as writing stories or drawing. Honestly it’s kind of depressing me.

I was lying in bed this evening feeling absolutely miserable and exhausted unable to sleep though because I didn’t want to and all I could think about was how self harm would sort of wake me up through a surge of adrenaline making me feel more alive rather than dormant in a haze of boredom and fatigue.

I’m really sorry to everyone who believed in me, I’m sorry I let you all down but I hope you understand right now I need to hurt myself so I can do more than just work, eat and sleep. 

I won’t cut don’t worry so there’s no risk of losing too much blood, I will use non-lethal methods of hurting myself and I’ll try not to do it too often, only when I need to.

You may think I’m weak, relapsing again but understand I’m using this to push through fatigue and get through the day if anything I’m pretty damn strong as I could just not go to college at all but I know I’ve got to keep trying with it (it’s only been 5 weeks) I will be okay once I can handle college properly.

NI2M❤

DepressionDiaries: A bad day

It’s been one of those days where you regret even leaving your bed and going outside.

First I got caught in traffic for TWO HOURS and arrived an hour late to class this morning.

Next my Mac started playing up while I was trying to work. So frustrating.

Then at break time there was hardly anything in the canteen that I wanted to eat so I just picked something at random, I was too hungry to care what it tasted like.

And just when I thought nothing else could go wrong… I lost my favourite bookmark that was a souvenir from my most recent holiday before things went from bad to worse and I ended up in a psychiatric ward.

I’ve been tired (even though I got roughly 7-8hours sleep last night) and grumpy basically all day and about ready to break down crying if anything else went wrong.

Fortunately when I arrived home from college I promptly fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up in a slightly better mood. 

Sleep and food seem to be the solution I use for all problems which isn’t exactly healthy considering I could be more productive but at least I am eating and sleeping better than I used to.

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: Speaking Up

We were in the studio. Our teacher had left for a while thinking he could trust us to get on with the task he set. When he left people started moaning that they didn’t want to do anything and I got annoyed with them.

I have depression, I didn’t want to even leave my bed this morning and yet I am here so shut up and get on with the task so we can go to lunch on time. I spend most of my day looking forward to my next meal which is great considering before the ward I had very little interest in eating.

“C’mon guys let’s get on with it” I projected my voice so people would pay attention to me. Eventually the slackers got up and we worked together to model and take photos for eachother.

One of the girls, let’s call her Kiera, had decided to make fun of a picture of this other girl ( let’s make her Jody) which we all found funny but when Jody said we were upsetting her I had the decency to shut up. Whereas others (especially Kiera) didn’t stop and kept poking fun at Jody who I know is sensitive about her appearance even though I think she’s really pretty.

“Guys, this is basically bullying just leave it” I said to them and they calmed down slightly but didn’t delete the photo they were making fun of Jody for. It was my turn to use the camera next so I deleted it instead.

Later on another girl (there are a lot of girls in my class) had to model even though she didn’t want to but she understood everyone has to be the model at least once. Kiera decided to use her phone and take photos of the girl while she was modelling for the photographer. 

At first the girl humoured Kiera  but then had enough and started hiding her face as Kiera also seemed to be making fun of her playing on her sensitivity about her appearance. As if it wasn’t bad enough,what Kiera did next absolutely disgusted me. She set one of the pictures of the girl as the profile picture for a group chat that I’m not involved in, she showed it to me laughing her head off. 

I remember a couple of “friends” taking rather embarassing photos of me and how I caught them  sharing and laughing at them with eachother when I thought they had deleted them. I remember how angry and betrayed I felt so would hate to think how that girl would feel if she knew what Kiera was doing especially if I laughed with her.

“I actually think she looks quite cute” I stated. Which was true even though the girl was messing around in the shot she looked quite adorable…

NI2M❤