TRIGGER WARNING: This post goes into detail about self harm.
I did something bad last night. I really wasn’t thinking straight. I felt so lonely, frustrated and depressed that logic went out the window.
I knocked my bedside table. Letting things on top of it fall. Including a drinking glass. The glass smashed and as I looked at the pieces I thought I could cut myself with that.
At first I tried fighting the temptation but as I was picking up and clearing away the pieces I grabbed one and scratched my arm with it.
At first it seemed fine but then I started bleeding, I must have cut myself deeper than I thought because the blood took a while to stop and my skin where the glass made contact was stinging.
I’ve self harmed before but this is the first time I’ve made myself bleed. I don’t like bleeding because you can’t just tell your body to stop it. The blood just keeps going until it eventually stops.
That’s why I don’t like bleeding because I have very little control over it and I like being able control some aspects of my life not to mention the fact that I have a fear of blood… Ironic isn’t it? A self harmer being afraid of blood.
Since, like I said, I don’t like blood I doubt I will do something like this again and I’d been doing so well lately that to start hurting myself everyday again would ruin my progress. This was just a setback or “glitch” I’m going to call it where something goes wrong and I temporarily go back to my old ways.
So I’m not going to go back to self harm fully. I’m just going to take this as a glitch and try to figure out what triggered it and find a better way of handling it.
Song of the day: Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie