As most of you reading this probably know, I have spent 7 days and 7 nights on a psychiatric ward. I’ve been home and away from the ward for about two weeks now but that doesn’t mean the ward has left me. Since I left I’ve had at least two dreams (more like nightmares) of the ward, at least two that I can recall, there may have been more.
My first dream of the ward involved me being back there but not being allowed to leave. I was screaming, crying and lashing out. I remember how I felt during that dream, I felt trapped.
The second one I had last night. I was on holiday with my dad, his partner and my half brother; we were staying in this house but all of a sudden random people started joining us in this house, I felt panicked as everywhere I turned someone was there, no locks on the doors and a distinct lack of privacy (like on the ward)
My dad had to take me home to my mum as I had severe anxiety and started throwing up but my mum ended up literally dragging me back to the ward where I somehow ended up in the room of the verbally aggressive patient but this time we were actually nice to each other! she told me about this party that the ward was having for some reason (there are no ward parties in real life) and when I entered the dining room it didn’t look how I remembered it, the walls were bland with no sign of windows, it was like a prison. Fellow patients seemed to be fighting over me, wanting me to sit with them and trying to turn me against other patients.
Fair to say it was strange, I have to go back to the psychiatric ward for my ward round tomorrow where I’ll probably be getting discharged, maybe I have a subconscious fear of returning to the ward and being made to stay there against my will? I have been trying not to think about ward round knowing how much anxiety talking to professionals brings out in me so maybe the anxiety is expressing itself in my dreams instead?
I don’t know, if you think you know what may be going on with me or you have advice on how to ease my anxiety I would really appreciate it if you left a comment.
Thank you for reading,
Song of the day: I’ve Been Worse by Emma Blackery