It’s when you spend time in a place like a psychiatric ward that makes you realise how much control you actually have over your life because on a psych ward that control is taken away from you.
You are locked in unless a member of staff allows you to leave and even then you have to sign a book before you can go. Your possessions are taken away from you to be searched or locked away so you can’t use them unless a member of staff is present.
It’s in that restrictive environment that things were put into perspective for me. I can use my headphones and charge my phone whenever I want, I don’t have things locked away so I don’t have to wait for someone to let me have them, it made me realise how much freedom and control over my life and actions I actually have.
I seem much better at controlling myself nowadays, yesterday I went into a stationary shop and felt excitement over all the things I could buy and thought I wanted but instead of impulsively buying those things I thought to myself “come back later and if you still want this stuff you can buy it but think it through first”
I returned to the shop about an hour later and looked at the same stuff, this time I thought that the stuff would be a waste of money as I may not ever end up using them so I was actually able to leave the shop without buying a load of stuff on an excitable impulse like I used to.
I also felt the temptation to self harm as I felt really frustrated about my photo printer not working because I really wanted to get cracking on my portfolio. Usually in a state of intense frustration I would self harm but this time I was able to calm myself down by thinking practically on how to solve the problem.
In the end I decided to email the photographs to my new college tutor for him to look at and then I could do my portfolio in my own time with no rush. So I got up from my bed and emailed him while also taking the opportunity to sort through emails which distracted me from my thoughts of self harm.
Since the ward I’ve learned to acknowledge my feelings and deal with them instead of pushing them aside or bottling them up. For example today I was really upset and again had the temptation to hurt myself but instead I decided to listen to sad music and make myself cry to release my feeling of sadness.
I also did some rather emotional drawings inspired by lyrics from the songs. It helped acknowledge my emotions and give them an outlet instead of keeping them on the inside and my mood lifted after about an hour of this but before the ward, these low moods would last for hours as I wasn’t dealing with them appropriately.
I feel proud of myself for these accomplishments, it was never easy, there was always something in my head trying to drag me back into my old ways but I managed to fight back and actually do the right thing for myself.
Song of the day: Heroes (We could be) by Alesso ft. Tove Lo