DepressionDiaries: I Ran Away From Home

I called my dad to come pick me up. I needed to get out of the house. There was so much tension especially with mum’s friend around because I think that mum is chatting shit about me with her.

My dad takes me to a park and I talk to him about the whole situation. Dad seems to get it. I see now how like him I am. We both like people going straight to the point and lack the patience and attention span if people keep talking at us. 

Whereas my mum, she likes to talk, which can sometimes get her in trouble but this annoys me as like I said I lack patience and the attention span and soon want to move on to the next thing, we don’t dawdle basically, we tell it like it is.

I played on the WII with my brother who was getting upset because he was losing in our Mario Kart race. I thought If losing upsets you this much, try being me, the biggest loser in town if not the world.

After dinner I returned “home” mum and I hugged and things seemed okay but then she started talking about how I shut myself off and don’t seem to care when this situation actually started because they were both going on about me in a seemingly nasty way.

So yet again I was made to look like the bad guy like this is all about how I don’t show emotion when that’s because NO ONE CAN HANDLE MY HARSH MOODS BUT ME and even then it’s hard. 

Mum saying how I keep shutting her off but when I talk she keeps interjecting and talking about how she feels instead of just letting me talk. That’s why I blog because in everyday conversation. I. Keep. Getting. Interupted and people wonder why I’m quiet. What’s the point in talking when people refuse to listen?

Anyway. Mum and I have resolved the situation through texting. Yep, since neither of us are good at face to face conversations I decided to text her how I felt instead and mum could not interupt me as I kept typing and sending. Through text I managed to get all my feelings about the situation into the  open and mum was able to take it in. 

I’m not sure how things are going to be with me, mum and her friend from now on. Personally I feel awkward about going downstairs to see my mum. This is how I am in conflict. Frustration, tears, running away, coming back, venting and then awkwardness. Let’s hope it doesn’t stay this way for long.

Also thank you for supporting me over the last couple of days. Without you I think things would be a lot worse. It’s amazing how much blogging can help you and connect you to such awesome people. I hate fighting with my mum and when we don’t get along I feel very depressed and lonely but to those who have been commenting their support, thank you for making me feel less alone.

NI2M ❤

Advertisements

DepressionDiaries: That Hurts… That Really Hurts

So, yesterday as you may remember, I had an incident erupt with my mum and her friend. It resulted in me crying myself to sleep and it was the result of a misunderstanding. I explained to my mum that I did not understand the situation and I felt like I was being targeted.

My mum’s friend came back today, I was willing to put yesterday behind us and I apologised for my behaviour yesterday but then mum mentioned something that she thought I knew about, she said that yesterday while I was downstairs with them her and her friend had been throwing looks at each other over my head.

My imagination has gone wild, why would they do that? was I doing something wrong? do they not like me?

It’s the kind of behaviour I would expect from bitchy high school girls not from my mum and it hurts, it hurts so much to think that I can’t trust my mum to be honest with me and not do things like that.

I’m now in my room, I refuse to go back downstairs in case of a repeat of yesterday. It’s not even my mum’s friend that’s bothering me anymore, I understand she’s not been very well lately which may be why she’s been a bit cranky but my mum. I am very hurt by my mum and her bitching about me. How can I trust her now? when at every opportunity she decides to go against me with her friend.

It sucks, mum has been the only person I could go to and my best friend now I feel like that’s been broken and I have no one to turn to. I am alone. I am so lonely.

NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Leave Me Alone…

It’s annoying when someone has upset you and you just want to be away from them for a while to calm down but they won’t leave you alone.

My mum and her friend have been really getting on my nerves today. Talking about me as if I’m not in the same room as them. Mum’s friend bitching to my mum about me about how I “don’t give a shit about what my mum is telling me” well, A i am very easily distracted because of my DEPRESSION and B I wasn’t sure if mum was talking to me or her friend, I’m never sure because they talk about me when I’m around anyway.

It’s not even her place to say shit about me, we’re not even related! If this friend didn’t help my mum so much I would tell her to GTFO for being so disrespectful to me but like I said she makes mum happy and helps her out so I just kept my mouth shut and went up to my room. 

But then they start calling me for stuff when I don’t want to be around them right now because I am so frustrated. They just wouldn’t let me be. In the end I ended up yelling from the top of my lungs “PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE” 

Mum’s really mad at me but she knows I don’t get upset without a reason and she says “oh, you’re upsetting my friend” I really wanted to shout WELL SHE UPSET ME FIRST!  But I didn’t so now i seem like the bad guy. Somehow in these situations I always end up in the wrong even when I’m right. Ugh I’m so sick of everything right now.

I feel so lonely, misunderstood and bad about myself. I am aware that I could have dealt with the situation better but my moods can be so intense that logic can’t get a look in. It’s frustrating, my emotions and my brain are frustrating.

NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Explaining Death to a Child

I was out with my dad, H and my 8 year old half brother.

I was sitting with my brother waiting for our dad to get some cash out when he asked me what silly things I did when i was little.

I told him about the time I ran into a dressing table which knocked some of my teeth out of place.

I told him about how I used to sleep with my bum in the air ( don’t ask, I must have found it a comfortable poition to sleep in)

I then told him about how I used to chase the cat everywhere (when i was really young we had a cat unfortunately he passed away when I was four years old)

And this proceeded to me having a very awkward conversation where I had to explain the concept of death to an 8 year old.

He said “I didn’t know you had a cat”

I replied “well he’s not around anymore”

He then asked “why? What happened to him?”

I debated how much to tell him because it’s not really my place as his sister to explain death to him. Same with the question “where do babies come from?”

I answered with “he got very ill”

But he wouldn’t settle for that and proceeded to ask “then what happened to him?”

Shit I thought to myself how do I explain this?

I ended up saying “he’s just not around anymore”

It was at this time my dad came over and my brother got distracted by him. I had never been more pleased to see my dad.It makes me dread the day when my nan will pass and my mum and I will have to try to get my autistic sister to understand why she can’t see nana anymore.

NI2M

Song of the day:  Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez

DepressionDiaries: Night Guard

For a long time I had a problem where my jaw would click and feel stiff. I was told this was because I was grinding my teeth in my sleep due to stress.

So a few months ago I got a night guard molded to my bottom set of teeth and had to wear it at night to prevent grinding and clenching.

I hadn’t been wearing it recently because I wasn’t bothered about my jaw. However, over the last week or so my jaw has been stiff and clicking to the point that it’s painful. 

I’ve been under so much stress that my teeth grinding and jaw clenching has gotten a lot worse. So now I’m back to wearing my night guard I don’t like wearing but it gives my jaw and teeth some relief at least.

NI2M 

DepressionDiaries: I won’t give in…

Today has been stressful. Kind of my own fault really, I over slept which meant I was running late to meet up with a friend and the movie would soon start, luckily we made it in time.

We went to see the movie Nine Lives. It was funny but also emotional I won’t spoil it but let’s just say by the end of it some audience members were crying because it was such a touching movie about families (if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you probably know that my family means a lot to me so this movie really got to me)

Later on I went into a charity shop and fell in love with this gorgeous,black dress with silver embroidery. It was stunning and I loved it so much I had a fight with myself over buying it. Eventually I did, it was only £20. I don’t usually get emotional over dresses but this one fit me like a glove and made me feel like a gothic princess. I felt wonderful in it, shame I don’t really have anywhere to wear it to though. Aww well I think I’ll just use it as a “confidence dress” so when I’m low on self esteem I can wear it and feel better about myself.

When I returned home an Emotion Explosion erupted (for those of you who don’t know what that is; it’s when you’ve spent so long keeping your emotions on the inside that when you finally let your guard down you feel all emotions at once) I was happy but also sad, irritated and tearful.

An urge to self harm edged it’s way into my mind and I had to distract myself before I acted on it. I drew some emotional sketches inspired by anime and music while letting myself have a cry. The urge to hurt myself is still around but it’s much less intrusive than it was before. I refuse to hurt myself, I’ve come so far already, I won’t go back now.

NI2M

Author’s Note:  I wrote this post yesterday but didn’t publish it because I couldn’t decide whether it was worth publishing or not so I decided to sleep on it.

 

DepressionDiaries: A Thank you to the Ward Staff

wp-image-1307941470jpg.jpg

I bought this teddy bear as a token of gratitude to the staff members at the ward I spent time in.

The place was scary (I’ve even been having nightmares about it!) But there were some good points to it. The patients and staff who helped me.

Admittedly during my stay at the ward I wasn’t particularly grateful for the staff but now I’m out and look back on it, There were members of staff that really helped me and even went beyond their duty to help patients.

I’m grateful for those staff members. Particularly a young woman who helped me talk through my problems with family members when I felt misunderstood. She called me to ask if I could spend another night at home when I wasn’t ready to stay, I felt let down and blamed her but I realise because of how young she is she was probably junior and told by one of her seniors to make that call so I no longer blame her.

I admit the care system for mental health here in England is messed up as all hell  but I appreciate the staff that tried their best for patients and feel bad that patients blame them for how the system works but then we never see the powers that be only their minions so who’s going to get the blame?

Nevertheless the ward was a wake up call for me and now I’m officially discharged I look back on my time there as a much needed experience with a positve outcome. I feel like I’ve grown since being on the ward, It was scary and hectic but it helped me a lot, especially the members of staff that took time to show me that they do care and are not just doing their job for the money.

So, Thank you, Ward Staff for helping me get on the right track to recovery. I will deliver this bear when I’m next in your area.

Sincerely,

NI2M ❤

DepressionDiaries: A Bad Grade DOES NOT = A Bad Life

Here in England is the time where thousands of high school and college students go to collect their GCSE and A level results. I would have been joining them if I hadn’t dropped out of college three months early; I know that’s not very long but at the time my depression was so bad that I struggled to make it through a day at college yet alone three months!

In England, since the whole Brexit incident, we have gone into recession which according to an article in a british newspaper is putting pressure on students to achieve good grades. Unfortunately with this more students are having to battle anxiety and depression as the pressure builds to do well in exams.

Students going into meltdown (like me) because they got a bad grade or a few, we’re conditioned to think that if we don’t do well and we don’t get good grades then we’ll never make it in life and have little control over our fate.

Well, I’m here as proof to you that this is not the case. I got a U in my psychology exam 2015 and this sent me spiralling down into depression because of how much pressure is put on students to do well. I tried to scrape my way through my second year at college but my depression kept getting worse as the pressure to do well mounted.

In the end I had to leave for my own sanity but just before I left college I decided to volunteer in a charity shop, so when I did leave college I was able to work instead, I may not have been getting paid but it put great work experience on my CV. I also went on the hunt for a new college and now I’m going to be attending one that doesn’t worry about your previous grades (apart from maths and English but then if you didn’t do well they’d just get you to take them alongside your chosen course) they just look for a genuine interest in the subject/s you’ve applied for.

There are also adult classes at some colleges to help you gain experience and grades (these you may have to pay for). So what I’m saying is, if you don’t do as well as you wanted in your GCSEs/A levels or you don’t get accepted into the college/university you wanted, it’s not the end of the world and life will offer you plenty of opportunities to go further in life you just have to look out for them, which I understand may be hard if you’re in a state of hopelessness but trust me as someone who has been in that position life does NOT end when school/college does.

Now I’m not saying that school is a total waste of time, in school you learn what kind of subjects you are interested in, what type of people you get on with and education is important but exams won’t necessarily reflect your intelligence just how good your memory and your wording is on the day; bear in mind anxiety can affect your memory and mental health problems can affect your ability to focus and write.

If you think you may have a condition that affects your ability to do exams it’s best to get it checked out by your doctor and see if you can get extra help with exams, I may be getting tested for dyslexia as I show some signs of it, honestly I probably should have got tested years ago…

exam-stress1

 

NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Dreams of the Ward (Advice Wanted)

As most of you reading this probably know, I have spent 7 days and 7 nights on a psychiatric ward. I’ve been home and away from the ward for about two weeks now but that doesn’t mean the ward has left me. Since I left I’ve had at least two dreams (more like nightmares) of the ward, at least two that I can recall, there may have been more.

My first dream of the ward involved me being back there but not being allowed to leave. I was screaming, crying and lashing out. I remember how I felt during that dream, I felt trapped.

The second one I had last night. I was on holiday with my dad, his partner and my half brother; we were staying in  this house but all of a sudden random people started joining us in this house, I felt panicked as everywhere I turned someone was there, no locks on the doors and a distinct lack of privacy (like on the ward)

My dad had to take me home to my mum as I had severe anxiety and started throwing up but my mum ended up literally dragging me back to the ward  where I somehow ended up in the room of the verbally aggressive patient but this time we were actually nice to each other! she told me about this party that the ward was having for some reason (there are no ward parties in real life) and when I entered the dining room it didn’t look how I remembered it, the walls were bland with no sign of windows, it was like a prison. Fellow patients seemed to be fighting over me, wanting me to sit with them and trying to turn me against other patients.

Fair to say it was strange, I have to go back to the psychiatric ward for my ward round tomorrow where I’ll probably be getting discharged, maybe I have a subconscious fear of returning to the ward and being made to stay there against my will? I have been trying not to think about ward round knowing how much anxiety talking to professionals brings out in me so maybe the anxiety is expressing itself in my dreams instead?

I don’t know, if you think you know what may be going on with me or you have advice on how to ease my anxiety I would really appreciate it if  you left a comment.

Thank you for reading,

NI2M

Song of the day:  I’ve Been Worse by Emma Blackery

DepressionDiaries: Sad Happy Times


I went to this place called dunstable Downs with my family which is a place where people go to fly kites and have picnics it’s a lovely place to go during the summer but you still have to wear a jacket because it’s so windy up there! 

It was supposed to be a fun day out and it was really nice to spend some time with the whole family and take shots of the beautiful place. However I felt a sense of foreboding and although this was a happy time I felt a pang of sadness because I knew why we were having this day out.

My nan always loved dunstable downs and since finding out about her terminal cancer she has been wanting to relive some of her favourite parts of life. She wanted to see us all together smiling and laughing as we try to get the kite to stay up and fail.

She wanted to relive this moment like the old days before her condition deterioated too much for her to enjoy these kinds of things. A feeling of dread lingered over me that day as i knew that this may be the last time we do something like this with my nan. 

NI2M