Today I was out with my mum, sister and my mum’s friend. I was supposed to be in work but I was way too tired after two nights of arriving home and falling asleep late.
I kind of just wanted to stay at home all day but mum wouldn’t let me in case I try to hurt myself while she’s out or something. I didn’t mind going out with them though since we were going to have lunch at this really nice restaurant and you know how much I love eating out.
However for some reason I felt like an inconvenience. My mum had snapped at me a few times, my sister was tormenting me and i felt like I was just being a nuisance, I thought things would be better for them if I just went to work and let them go out without me because they “clearly” didn’t want me there.
By the time it came to lunch I had anxious, depressive thoughts circling my mind. Like I’m not wanted, they’d be better off if I wasn’t here and a blur of many other thoughts.
I started eating but soon stopped, my heart was beating faster, i felt sick and upset. I started asking my mum questions like “do you love me?” “Am I a good daughter?” “Am I a bad person? “Do you want me here?” “Should I have gone to work?” “Are you proud of me?”
I often ask my mum questions like these when I’m feeling insecure and need her reassurance. There was no explanation of why i asked these questions until I was diagnosed with BPD now it makes perfect sense because of the fear of abandonment making me be insecure within myself and relationships (even with my mum)
It’s hard when i get like this because I have a burst of intense emotion and then once I’ve calmed down I become emotionally and physically drained and just want to go home and sleep. I spent the rest of our day out in a bookshop while the others did their own thing, I liked it in there where I can just browse and read books in a peaceful environment where my problems are left outside as I explore the worlds of different characters in all kinds of books. Honestly bookshops seem to be my only safe place besides my bedroom.
Song of the day: I Hate You I love You by gnash ft. Olivia O’brien