DepressionDiaries: Be Still My Hollow Heart…

It’s been a bad day today, I didn’t want to go to work, leave the house or anything. To be honest I was kind of expecting it though since I’ve had three days of feeling good about myself and life, I guess you could call this a crash down.

I was having a conversation with a friend and she was telling me about how happy her boyfriend was making her, to be honest, it kind of stung. I never had that kind of relationship with someone, I did have a boyfriend before but it wasn’t a healthy relationship, he was obsessive and would sometimes worry me with his paranoid talk not to mention I didn’t love him (I ended the relationship after 3 days)

So I have no idea  what its like to have a mutual relationship where we both love each other. I’ve had crushes but they didn’t like me. So I know the struggles of unrequited love but I’ve also had people kind of stalking me before but that’s not love, that’s obsession, like I’m some sort of fascinating artefact instead of an actual human being.

So I don’t know what a real loving relationship is like and it hurts. After that conversation I had never felt more lonely and have walked around today feeling hollow, like something is missing from me.

After working for an hour I went to go on a lunch break to try and make myself feel better. I had massive pancakes covered in chocolate sauce and ice cream with  chocolate milkshake, I then went and bought myself four new books as it seems to give me a buzz and afterwards I did feel a bit better (I no longer felt like crying) but I still felt hollow.

I returned to work and did some work on the computer while doing so thoughts kept running through my head like What is love? What’s it like to be so happy with someone? Maybe I’m not meant to be loved. I would probably ruin the relationship anyway. I really want to know what it’s like to be in love with someone. I’m so lonely. Is a good relationship too much to ask for?

It didn’t help that on the desk I was sitting at (which seemed to be an old school desk) had the word DIE carved into it over and over again, taunting me. Great thing to see when you’re depressed (!)

Don’t get me wrong its great that my friend has found someone who makes her feel happy but I just wish I could have that kind of relationship as well.

NI2M

Song of the day:  Stone Cold by Demi Lovato

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2 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: Be Still My Hollow Heart…

  1. Blooming Lily says:

    Oh, sending you big hugs! I am watching some of my friends get married over the last few months, and it’s hard to be truly happy for them while my sole relationship was a manipulative and abusive relationship, the trauma of which I am still recovering from. I have no concept of what it feels like to be truly loved in a romantic relationship. I guess a saying that I have heard is “It’s better to wait long, than to date wrong.” I know that doesn’t help the loneliness (because I feel it too!) but the truth is you *do* deserve to be loved. As for the timing, waiting is just frickin frustrating and I wish I had some way to help you! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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