Well yesterday was… Odd, even for me. The day was a blur of frustration, pencils and many, many thoughts. I was launching attacks on myself and others, through writing repressed rage found its way out of me (that’s the problem with being british we’re polite to each other’s faces even while holding resentment for each other)
I guess what happened yesterday was I had been feeling all kinds of things (mainly anger) and decided to let myself write something which was supposed to be a genuine apology because at the time I was overcome with self- loathing so I felt I had to say sorry to everyone but then words formed inside my head and instead of pushing them aside and focusing on my original writing criteria I let the words be written out, turning my apology letter into a sarcastic rant aimed at old friends who I felt used by.
I decided to publish it as I became fascinated by my work, analysing the writing as a reader would with a book. I started seeing myself as a character in a story instead of an actual person, sort of a detachment from myself really, I kind of don’t even believe it was me writing yesterday but you know, mental illness you never know how its going to mess with you next.
Today has been better, I met up with some friends admittedly we only hung out together for 45 minutes and then I had to go see my counsellor but its better than nothing. Speaking of my counsellor I won’t actually be seeing him anymore as I’m being handed over to the community mental health team to help me deal with my BPD and Post trauma as he described it (not PTSD but a degree of Post Trauma from rough childhood experiences)
I’m scared, they’re going to want to talk to me about an experience I don’t even dare write about on here but I’m going to have to face it. It’s something that has contributed to my mental health problems and will continue to do so unless I try to resolve it. One day I may talk about it on here but not yet I’m not ready I’ve been keeping it a secret for nearly 10 years and have only just started telling professionals about it. This is not going to be easy.
Song of the day:
Feel Invincible by Skillet