I realise lately that my posts have been getting more darker and serious lately. I usually try and find an image or meme to lighten the mood a bit. My tweets have been the same, I self harmed with a pencil and tweeted about it to no one in particular. I don’t even know what the point is in talking about my problems when I just feel like I’m being needy and wanting attention. I’m not like that, I talk about these things because they affect so many people and need to be spoken about but my brain can kind of be a bitch and voices the opinions of ignorant people making me want to stop.
Basically what I’m saying is I’m sorry for not having funny stuff on my posts, I’m usually the one people go to for cheering up, I’m that silly friend who is hard to take seriously but I’m so funny to try and cover up the fact that I’m mentally fucked up and to sugar coat my pain and try to convince myself that things aren’t so bad
I’m a liar. A fucking liar and when the truth comes out one of us runs from the other. I’ve lost friends because I’ve gone too long faking and they can’t handle the truth or I can’t handle the fact that they know the truth. That I’m a pathetic liar and I’m sorry if I’m not the happy, cute, friendly girl you thought I was.
I’m sorry that you can’t handle the fact that I’m a human being and more than the positive front I put on. I’m sorry that I’m not the counsellor you needed, that I’m not the clown you adored or that loving person who would do anything for you.
and, most of all, I’m sorry I ever met you. You drained me. You made me feel like nothing more than a vending machine of favours. Yeah I’m sorry I lied but only because it drew you in instead of protecting me like it was meant to.
Author’s note: I’ve had a lot on my mind today and wasn’t going to post for a while, This was intended to be an apology post for my readers but then my brain kind of went to war with the writing and threw everything out there on the screen for me and everyone else to see. This post was meant to be a gentle apologetic post but somehow it turned into a sarcastic, rant, open letter type thing to people I’d once considered friends. It’s pretty interesting what my brain can come up with if I “Let it go” as in don’t try to shut it up and roll with it. So you could say this is a “free-writing” post where you can see the inner emotional turmoil of my brain from self- loathing to resentment of past relationships and now fascination as to what my brain does when writing without restraints.
Artwork by: Kate Louise Powell