I often feel lonely as a combination of my BPD and depression but my loneliness always seems so real. I kind of curse myself with the mentality that I’m better off alone but the more isolated I am the more I crave friendship. I have friends, I speak to them over the phone/online and sometimes meet up with them but its still there… the loneliness.
I can be so good at socialising and make friends but then further down the line in a relationship I can’t handle it. If that person has other friends to hang out with I can get jealous and want my friend to myself ,I know that’s bad so I never act on these feelings, I just let my friend do as they please as long as they are safe and happy it does leave me feeling abandoned and not good enough though if a friend chooses to hang out with someone else instead of me.
But then at the same time I can get overwhelmed by a close relationship and push people away. I once had a boyfriend for three days but broke up with him because I was uncomfortable with how much he would text me and how much of his attention was focused on me. Weird, huh? I want a close relationship yet they terrify me. That reminds me someone wanted me to add them as a friend on facebook… not sure when I’m going to do that because I’m not sure what this person wants from me in this relationship and I’m scared to get too close to them in case I get hurt or I mess everything up.
Its so complicated I feel so lonely yet I like being alone. I don’t understand it. I know it’s to do with my BPD (according to research) so how do I fix this? How do I stop being so jealous, afraid and insecure in relationships?
I’m getting a headache trying to make sense of all these thoughts and feelings, I’ve even tried drawing…
Song of the day: Only Human by Christina Perri