DepressionDiaries: Loneliness and BPD

I often feel lonely as a combination of my BPD and depression but my loneliness always seems so real. I kind of curse myself with the mentality that I’m better off alone but the more isolated I am the more I crave friendship. I have friends, I speak to them over the phone/online and sometimes meet up with them but its still there… the loneliness.

I can be so good  at socialising and make friends but then further down the line in a relationship I can’t handle it. If that person has other friends to hang out with I can get jealous and want my friend to myself ,I know that’s bad so I never act on these feelings, I just let my friend do as they please as long as they are safe and happy it does leave me feeling abandoned and not good enough though if a friend chooses to hang out with someone else instead of me.

But then at the same time I can get overwhelmed by a close relationship and push people away. I once had a boyfriend for three days but broke up with him because I was uncomfortable with how much he would text me and how much of his attention was focused on me. Weird, huh? I want a close relationship yet they terrify me. That reminds me someone wanted me to add them as a friend on facebook… not sure when I’m going to do that because I’m not sure what this person wants from me in this relationship and I’m scared to get too close to them in case I get hurt or I mess everything up.

Its so complicated I feel so lonely yet I like being alone. I don’t understand it. I know it’s to do with my BPD (according to research) so how do I fix this?  How do I stop being so jealous, afraid and insecure in relationships?

I’m getting a headache trying to make sense of all these thoughts and feelings, I’ve even tried drawing…

 

 

 

NI2M

Song of the day:  Only Human by Christina Perri

 

 

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4 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: Loneliness and BPD

  1. Rayne says:

    I understand this problem all to well. I also long for connection, but tend to push people away because I just don’t trust them not to hurt me. I love being alone, yet get so lonely and don’t want to be alone. Are you in therapy at the moment? I’m finding my relationship with my therapist is helping me develop healthier relationships with other people, and open up more. I don’t know exactly how it’s helping me, just that it is. I still have to force myself to pick up the phone and arrange to go out with a friend, even when all I want to do is lock myself away from the world. But at least I’m making progress.

    Liked by 1 person

    • normalistoomainstream says:

      Well done on your progress Rayne. It has been getting harder to reach out and talk to people lately which is why i didn’t reply for a while (apologies for that) i will be seeing my therapist tomorrow but I don’t know if he’s qualified to deal with BPD so I’ll just have to find out when i see him 🙂 ❤xxx

      Like

  2. chronichappiness11 says:

    I can really read you through your words. I am dealing with it everyday. My therapist suggested me to no get into any relationships till the therapy ends. I think we need to learn how to deal with our emotion and make it stable to function in everyday world. Relationships and attachments are scary zone, where i am the person who is mostly affected by it. Perhaps my perception towards relationships are very distorted, so that’s why I am always messed up in that particular area. Though I know you can do lot better if you go for therapy. I am working out on myself, wish you all the best for your journey to recovery..

    Liked by 1 person

    • normalistoomainstream says:

      Thank you very much 🙂 at the moment I’m not in any close relationships but I’m getting more comfortable with myself so I’m okay with being alone but I know I have friends even though we don’t talk everyday. I’m sure we’ll both eventually figure out relationships and they’re complexities, wishing you the best of luck ❤

      Like

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