DepressionDiaries: Me and Self harm

*Warning: This post talks about self harm

 

I know I shouldn’t do it but I often feel as though I need to so I can release the emotions that I’ve been keeping locked up all day.

I first started doing it when I was 14. I won’t tell you how because I don’t want to  give you ideas. That’s how I learned about self harming, reading, I read a magazine article about a girl who was self harming and other stuff but it was the self harming that stuck in my brain.

I did it  to punish myself. I was being bullied at the time and (probably due to my BPD) I felt like I deserved it, like I was a bad person but I wanted the bullying to stop so I thought maybe if I started punishing myself, others would stop punishing me. Obviously didn’t work though.

I continued self harming until high school had finished which was for about a year and a half – two years. When I started at college I was feeling better in a way that I was less inclined to self harm, I still had mood swings and got very anxious in social situations but by the end of the year I was more confident in talking to people because I did acting as one of my courses.

So I basically went a year without self harming and things seemed pretty good until I came back from my holiday and looked at the results for my psychology exam… a U basically a score so low it was Ungradeable.

Even though I had gotten the BTEC equivalent to an A* in Acting I was very upset, as far as I was concerned I was a failure. I had ripped up the sheet that my Psychology result was on and my mum had to hide the Acting one because I was so frustrated with myself that I felt I didn’t deserve that one good grade and wanted to rip that up as well.

From then on things were hard, I didn’t get the help I needed from my college such as picking out a new course to replace psychology, they basically didn’t care at all, I was just a number to them and felt completely let down by the college’s system.

Nevertheless, not willing to admit defeat, I still stayed at that college, just a couple weeks into the new academic year I felt the pressure and started showing signs of depression, the main one being I was back to self harming.

I think I started doing it again because I was stressed out from college pressure and was frustrated with myself for not being able to handle it (because I had depression)

I’m now 18 and no longer in the college that I mentioned earlier but I still self harm on an almost daily basis. I don’t even know why anymore, I just have these urges to hurt myself, I did stop for about a month but then relapsed and since then I haven’t even tried to control that urge to self harm but then again I guess that’s addiction for you; you do it so much that it becomes a habit that’s hard to break just like smoking.

Problem is my mum tries to hide things that I could use to hurt myself but then I just find something else to use and the cycle starts again. That’s how bad my addiction is to self harm now… I will use anything I can get my hands on to cause pain even if it doesn’t leave a mark as long as it causes me enough pain to stop the urge. Unfortunately my “solution” is only temporary and I have to do it again. The vicious cycle of addiction.

NI2M

Artwork (not mine) by Kate Louise Powell

Song of the day: Scars by Allison Iraheta

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13 thoughts on “DepressionDiaries: Me and Self harm

  1. Broken.Angel.Dreams says:

    Wow firstly I want to say I’m sorry that you ate going through all this, you don’t have to be alone I’m here for you hun….just a message away if you need distracting and that’s why after the first year I left that college because I get that they don’t care and they signed me of before I did my exams as they found out I have mental health issues which made me lass motivated and bothered about my exams which I failed obviously. Now I’m in this college I am getting so much more help with my learning difficulties and mental health. I get the vicious cyle as I’m going through it myself. I’m trying to stop but it’s so hard to do which is one of the reasons I smoke but my family don’t make it any better though. Sorry I’m going on and sorry for the long paragraph. I’m here if you need me hun xx ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Blooming Lily says:

    Have you heard of a therapy called DBT? It is really helping with my self-harming behaviors. Obviously nothing is a miracle and I have to work hard at it, sometimes I still relapse, but I would recommend it to others who are struggling but are motivated to stop. Hang in there ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rayne says:

    Hi beautiful. I’m so sorry you’re in the self harm cycle. I know how bad it can be, and especially how hard it is to stop. Heck, I still do it from time to time. I don’t do it as bad as I used to, and it’s not a daily thing anymore, but self harm is self harm. I’ve found something that helps (some of the time at least). I draw the infinity sign on my wrist with my eyeliner, even when I want to smash my fist into a wall or use other methods to self harm besides the usual cutting. It helps to see it there, as for me it represents that love is eternal and can overcome all the shit life sends. I think of my family and friends then and even though I feel alone, and even though I may feel they don’t care, I love and care about THEM, so in those moments, I use that as the love that overcomes. It also represents that life goes on, no matter how bad things get, and that even though it’s not a straight, happy road all the time, the turns eventually come together, and I grow in strength. Well, this makes sense to me at least. Maybe you can find a “tool” or symbol that might help you? Sometimes I even draw a smiley face on my wrist or hand, or a heart. Other times I draw a tear or anything that represents an emotion I’m feeling. I’ve recently bought myself some coloured pencils, and just colour in and draw/write anything that comes to mind. It’s oftentimes a very revealing and healing exercise, even though I still draw stick figures (I’m terrible at “art”, lol). Anyway, just thought I’d share what works for me. Maybe it will help you too, or encourage you to find something that will work for you. I’m always here for you. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. psychology4society says:

    Your the besr. I can’t say I’ve been there too because of my profession but I’m not going to say I haven’t because I have a friend who was will go with that. She’s 24 and she started around 14 too. This is the longest she’s gone without feeling the urge and I truly beLieve it’s because she found a great therapist who has been helping her in so many ways. Don’t be afraid to ask for help there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s the disorder and so many of us suffer from it. Your not alone, feel free to email me if you want to chat askpsych4society@gmail.com . Hang in there’s, lots of love and support xxx, Michelle ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. flyingcolours603 says:

    i understand and i know your feeling about it as well you do not want other to say stop cause your do not want it yourself but calm down its okay to feel down depressed in life everything will be fine nothing stays forever i am here for you

    Liked by 1 person

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