*Warning: This post talks about self harm
I know I shouldn’t do it but I often feel as though I need to so I can release the emotions that I’ve been keeping locked up all day.
I first started doing it when I was 14. I won’t tell you how because I don’t want to give you ideas. That’s how I learned about self harming, reading, I read a magazine article about a girl who was self harming and other stuff but it was the self harming that stuck in my brain.
I did it to punish myself. I was being bullied at the time and (probably due to my BPD) I felt like I deserved it, like I was a bad person but I wanted the bullying to stop so I thought maybe if I started punishing myself, others would stop punishing me. Obviously didn’t work though.
I continued self harming until high school had finished which was for about a year and a half – two years. When I started at college I was feeling better in a way that I was less inclined to self harm, I still had mood swings and got very anxious in social situations but by the end of the year I was more confident in talking to people because I did acting as one of my courses.
So I basically went a year without self harming and things seemed pretty good until I came back from my holiday and looked at the results for my psychology exam… a U basically a score so low it was Ungradeable.
Even though I had gotten the BTEC equivalent to an A* in Acting I was very upset, as far as I was concerned I was a failure. I had ripped up the sheet that my Psychology result was on and my mum had to hide the Acting one because I was so frustrated with myself that I felt I didn’t deserve that one good grade and wanted to rip that up as well.
From then on things were hard, I didn’t get the help I needed from my college such as picking out a new course to replace psychology, they basically didn’t care at all, I was just a number to them and felt completely let down by the college’s system.
Nevertheless, not willing to admit defeat, I still stayed at that college, just a couple weeks into the new academic year I felt the pressure and started showing signs of depression, the main one being I was back to self harming.
I think I started doing it again because I was stressed out from college pressure and was frustrated with myself for not being able to handle it (because I had depression)
I’m now 18 and no longer in the college that I mentioned earlier but I still self harm on an almost daily basis. I don’t even know why anymore, I just have these urges to hurt myself, I did stop for about a month but then relapsed and since then I haven’t even tried to control that urge to self harm but then again I guess that’s addiction for you; you do it so much that it becomes a habit that’s hard to break just like smoking.
Problem is my mum tries to hide things that I could use to hurt myself but then I just find something else to use and the cycle starts again. That’s how bad my addiction is to self harm now… I will use anything I can get my hands on to cause pain even if it doesn’t leave a mark as long as it causes me enough pain to stop the urge. Unfortunately my “solution” is only temporary and I have to do it again. The vicious cycle of addiction.
Artwork (not mine) by Kate Louise Powell
Song of the day: Scars by Allison Iraheta