I doubt you’ll get to read this. I doubt I’ll ever let you because, to be honest, I don’t know how you’d react. That’s right, I. Don’t. Know.
There is a lot of things I don’t know about you, dad and there is very little you know about me. I only give a brief summary of how I’ve been since I last saw you.
You’re not a great dad but then it’s not something you take an exam for is it? not like your degree. You’re a smart man, dad, when it comes to psychology and science (I think I got my flair for biology from you) but you’re not smart when it comes to me because you don’t see everything only my best which I put on for you. You weren’t there when I attempted suicide and mum had to stop me, you weren’t there through the panic attacks or the self harming and I feel like I can’t talk about these things with you because, again, I don’t know how you’d respond.
I want you to be proud of me, dad. I want to be “your little girl” again but I can’t even remember the time that I was. You know, I’m glad you had a son with your partner. Maybe you’re a better dad to him, at least he seems happy with you.
I look at you and him together, both of you, smiling, chatting and having fun. A close father and son bond. Was I ever like that with you? If I was I can’t remember.
I mean even though I see you every couple of weeks I know we’re not close. I’m not sure if that’s my fault or yours. Whether I closed myself off in the relationship because I felt abandoned by you or you pushed me away to be closer with your new family.
Here’s something I don’t know about you:
Why did you choose her?
Why her over us?
Why her over your daughters?
You don’t even seem happy with her. I’m worried. You look so tired and worn down all the time. You’ve lost weight and you don’t take your medication properly. It’s like you’ve given up on yourself.
You may not be the best dad but you’re my dad and I know you try your best to make it up to me for leaving but don’t try too hard, you’re wearing yourself out. Let me do the work because I realise that my BPD has been damaging my relationships especially with you. So I will get behaviour therapy, I will go to talk therapy to resolve my issues and maybe, one day, we will be close again.
Your bigger little girl ❤ xx
Song of the day: For The Love Of A Daughter by Demi Lovato