Today I went to see a psychiatrist from the community mental heath team I had been referred to after my last suicidal episode. As you may remember I blogged about having suspicions that I could have another mental health problem besides depression but no professional had really confirmed it until today.
The psychiatrist asked me a bunch of questions about my life and I answered them honestly saying I couldn’t remember the first 6 years of my life before my dad left and I don’t remember ever being a “daddy’s girl” even though I was told I was as a child, I was very close to him. I also mentioned my sister having special needs, which is what previous mental health professionals had focused on.
However this Psychiatrist was more interested in my relationship with my dad and how I had no memories of him actually being a dad in the early years of my life. The relationship I have with my dad currently is based on what I remember and those are the years after he left the family home. She asked me about my relationship with other people and I told her I have difficulties in relationships and how I see people as being all bad or all good because I can’t figure out the grey areas.
This and many other answered questions lead to the diagnosis of me having an Emotionally Unstable (Borderline) Personality Disorder resulting from my relationship with my dad (or my “secure base attachment”) being disrupted in early childhood. Its a relief this problem has finally been named considering I seem to have had it for 12 years of my life.
I’ve done some research into personality disorders but I’m still not quite sure If I understand them because everything listed in my type of personality disorder seems so normal for me because I’ve been this way for so long. It is something I need to work on though as it means I tend to mess up relationships.
I’ll keep going with DepressionDiaries until my depression is less of a thing but I’ll probably start bringing up my personality disorder in posts once I can make sense of it.
Here are some links to posts related to this one;
Song of the day: Reflection from Disney’s Mulan