DepressionDiaries: Too Much (Warning: mention of self harm and suicide)

I was supposed to go on holiday with my dad, H and my half brother today but due to recent events it’s been decided that it’s best not for me to go although I kind of regret not going I think it’s best that I stay home because my mum is the only family member who knows me and my condition. With my mentality recently I could easily trick my dad into trusting me with my medication which is a bad idea since overdose is my preferred method of suicide.

I’ve been sleeping for most of the time over the past few days and rarely allow myself to be alone now because when I am alone that seems to be when thoughts of self harm and suicide come into my head.

Despite sleeping so much I’m still really tired and feel like just crawling into my bed and staying there for hours. Even typing out this blog post seems too much for me.

My nan has returned home from the hospital but we’re still not sure what’s happening with her health. Some doctors think the problem is her heart others her lungs. So turns out it’s not just her gums that could be the problem but at least she’s home and acting more like herself for now.

I  think it’s going to take a while for me to recover my energy considering its been an emotional and stressful week.

NI2M

Song of the day:  In The End by Linkin Park

DepressionDiaries: Crisis Team Intervention

Yesterday, after I arrived home from hospital and fell asleep, I woke up to the sound of the doorbell, at first I thought it was my mum’s friend who usually comes over but then I heard this deep, booming voice that resonated throughout the house and I thought That’s not my mum’s friend my next thought was It’s the crisis team. I managed to rouse myself from my bed in a dazed and confused state when I got downstairs my mum greeted me in the hallway, I was fearful and backed away from her slightly because I wasn’t sure what was real or not.

I was right it was two members of the crisis team, I can’t remember what they looked like but I remember I liked them because I wanted them to be the ones to work with me, unfortunately though the crisis team is large and the members work different shifts so there was no guarantee that they would be the ones to visit me again. They were both parents so they were able to empathise with my mum and comfort her as the meeting got rather distressing for her.

I was still under the influence of the diazepam I had earlier so I was still very out of it but my thoughts did seem to be a lot clearer with less conflict.My focus was awful though which is why I can’t remember a lot of stuff about the visit. I remember being very quiet and taking a while to completely open up to the crisis team.

Today another two members of the crisis team came to check up on me,not the same ones as yesterday though. My mood had been still low but slightly better than yesterday, I felt tearful and restless but better than yesterday. My focus had improved though I zoned out a couple of times when the assessors were speaking to me and forgot what I was talking about mid sentence. I was more chatty today and thought I was speaking too fast to be understood, the assessors said I was fine though, I felt uncomfortable with my emotions and our subject of conversation so I think I was trying to get our session over with as fast as possible.

I have another visit for tomorrow and will be seeing a crisis team doctor about my medication on Monday or Tuesday.

NI2M

DepressionDiaries: What happened at the hospital

Okay, first of all, sorry if my previous post didn’t make much sense I was very confused and disorientated at the time. When I wrote it I was waiting for the psychiatrist to call me after I’d been to see a nurse to check my blood pressure, my weight and height. I remember being fearful and apprehensive at just about everything, not quite believing what was happening was real.

While I was in the waiting room I heard a song that I love and makes me feel empowered, I felt like it was playing especially for me as I needed to hear it. The song is called “fight song” and I’ve used it in a video to celebrate 100 followers it reminds me of how pleased I felt at the time.

It was about a two hour wait for the psychiatrist to be able to see me, she took me into a room with a sofa and an armchair, she sat in the armchair while I sat on the sofa. She asked me a bunch of questions (can’t quite remember all of them) but I remember telling her about Void, Minnie and Guardian. She interpreted them as me hearing voices, I never thought of it like that but they do talk to me as if they are different people instead of a part of me. I don’t know it doesn’t really make sense to me.

In the end she gave me two options; to have a dose of diazepam and a visit from the crisis team later in  the day or to be admitted to a psychiatric ward outside of town since there are currently no beds in the hospital I went to in my area. I didn’t trust myself to make decisions so I got my dad to discuss the options with the  psychiatrist. I was given a dose of diazepam and sent home to wait for the crisis team to come and visit me. When I got home I went to bed as I hadn’t been to sleep all night.

I think that’s where I’m going to leave it for now, the diazepam is wearing off and I’m getting rather upset again. Don’t worry though I’m going to sit with my mum so I’m not alone.

 

NI2M

DepressionDiaries: so I’m at the hospital

Where do I even begin? One minute I was fine but then I turned the light off and lay on my bed and EVERYTHING blew up in my mind. My nan, my sister, my friend. I scratched myself with another key i’d found (i am one sneaky bitch) 

But it wasn’t long before different parts of me started a war inside my head. Suicide, pills overdose, knife cut. I’m going to name the different parts of me.

Void is basically my depression. We have an abusive relationship going on. He was particularly strong tonight.

Minnie my inner child. Absolutely terrified of Void, starting causing me bad anxiety

Guardian it’s all in the name. The part of me that wants to take care of me and tried to protect me from Void. She wasn’t succeeding tonight though.

And it’s because of these three trying to be just as loud as each other that i am in the hospital. Spaced out, can’t quite believe any of this is real.

Void was saying nasty things and giving me ideas on how to die. Minnie was panicking while Guardian was trying to call things down telling me to talk to my mum. Void saying that’s a stupid idea and Minnie questioning him as well as believing him. Eventually I did talk to my mum and she took me to hospital. No idea what’s going to happen now. 

DepressionDiaries: My Nan is in hospital

Earlier today my mum came into my room with a cup of tea in her hand. I knew she was going to give me some bad news because of the distraught look on her face and the fact that I hadn’t asked for tea. The last time my mum made me a cup of tea without asking was when I was in shock after being sexually harassed so I knew something was off.

She told me that my Nan had been up all night with severe pain in her gum and had been sick this morning. She had been rushed to hospital, we’re still not certain that it’s cancer but doctors have suggested that it is more than an infection.

Yesterday she seemed okay and the swollen gum appeared to be due to a tooth problem so I was relieved to think that it wasn’t cancer but today we’re back to uncertainty. I won’t be going on holiday next week because if anything happened to my nan while I was away and I wasn’t there to help I would never forgive myself. I know she would tell me to go and enjoy myself but how can I enjoy myself when a family member is at risk?

She will be staying at the hospital for a while so they can run tests and keep an eye on her. I would like to go and visit her there at some point.

NI2M

 

DepressionDiaries: My nan may have cancer…

I honestly don’t how to put this… My nan went to the dentist today and the dental nurses noticed swelling in her mouth there was no pus which means the swelling is likely the result of cancer.

I’m really upset right now. I feel like I’m about to cry. It hasn’t been confirmed yet and my nan will be heading to hospital tomorrow. I’m honestly not getting my hopes up that it isn’t cancer because if I were to be optimistic the blow of the C word would hit me much harder.

If it is cancer I will not be going with my dad, half brother and H (my dad’s partner) to France because I want to be with my family if … something happens to my nan. If I did go on holiday it would probably be two weeks of destructive anxiety and begging my dad to take me home because i’d be so worried.

Anyway um just thought I would let you know. I really want to call someone right now but who is there to talk to?

NI2M

Let’s talk about awards + My New Idea

I have had the honour of being nominated for two awards this week which feels great but I honestly don’t think I can accept them anymore. There are so many rules to them which kind of takes away the creativity of my blog plus you have to pick and choose people to nominate which can leave other bloggers I follow feeling bad because I didn’t nominate them.

Its a lot of pressure (which I really don’t handle well) to write posts about awards but I love the idea behind them, that blogs can network with and support each other. Which is why I’ve come up with the idea of “blogger of the week” where I post the name and link to a blog I’ve chosen at the end of my post. Like the “song of the day” thing I’ve got going on. So this means I’m getting blogs noticed but it’s done my way. Every Friday I will select a new blog to be “blogger of the week” based on what has caught my interest during the week.

Unfortunately I can’t start up this new idea yet because I’m going on holiday for two weeks starting this sunday and it would be unfair if I nominated a blogger of the week this week because they’ll have the spot for three weeks while the others will have it for one but in the meantime, you can let me know what you think about my blog being award free and this new idea. If you have any blogs you think should be blogger of the week sometime then please link me up to them (I haven’t been exploring the blogging world as much as I probably should so this will help a lot) it doesn’t matter how many followers they have or if they’re new or not and I would prefer if the blog was about mental health/illness since that’s mainly what I deal with but it doesn’t have to.

Thank you for reading, look forward to your thoughts and recommendations.

NI2M

Song of the day: Everybody’s Fool by Evenescence

 

DepressionDiaries: Never pick on my Sister >:(

Today my mum, sister and I decided to eat at Mcdonald’s. Now I may not have mentioned this before but my sister has autism. The type of autism where she’s 22 but behaves like a two year old. Now her obvious difference has brought me and my family unwanted attention over the years, people staring, laughing and even taking photos of my sister like she’s an exhibit ( don’t take photos of someone with special needs  by the way without the carer’s permission because it is illegal and you could get arrested)

today was worse than usual, two tables of four people took it upon themselves to make fun of my sister. I should have expected it to be honest but it caught me off guard. We sat down in a booth and I was facing one of the two groups of four. The two girls were laughing at my sister, trying to hide their faces so I wouldn’t see, even though I was looking directly at them (dumb bitches) one of the guys decided to start imitating my sister while the other was trying to get them to stop, saying “It’s not funny” “you’re so immature” I liked him but his pals were upsetting me I felt embarrassed, furious and sad all at once.

When they were finally leaving I couldn’t bottle up my rage anymore I said loud enough for the group to hear “Thank God the bitches are going, BYE!” and when they turned I stuck my middle finger up at them. They came to a stop to let my mum pass them in the aisle (LOL, my mum said they seemed guilty when she went passed them) at this point one of the boys was looking at me so I raised my chin and glared at him as if to say “fight me” and I was so mad that I’d wanted to start fighting him but they all soon got to the door, taking one last turn to look my way where I stuck my middle finger up at them again.

It may not seem much but it felt great to do something about the hate my sister gets just for being different besides it was really fun to behave like that instead of taking their shit like my family have done for years with people like them.

Moral of the story: if you see someone who is clearly different from the norm, mind your own damn business.

4a7

 

 

NI2M

Song of the day:  Circus For A Psycho by Skillet

 

DepressionDiaries: Mentally ill because I am Insecure or Insecure because I am Mentally ill???

Today I was out with my mum, sister and my mum’s friend. I was supposed to be in work but I was way too tired after two nights of arriving home and falling asleep late.

I kind of just wanted to stay at home all day but mum wouldn’t let me in case I try to hurt myself while she’s out or something. I didn’t mind going out with them though since we were going to have lunch at this really nice restaurant and you know how much I love eating out.

However for some reason I felt like an inconvenience. My mum had snapped at me a few times, my sister was tormenting me and i felt like I was just being a nuisance, I thought things would be better for them if I just went to work and let them go out without me because they “clearly” didn’t want me there.

By the time it came to lunch I had anxious, depressive thoughts circling my mind. Like I’m not wanted, they’d be better off if I wasn’t here and a blur of many other thoughts.

I started eating but soon stopped, my heart was beating faster, i felt sick and upset. I started asking my mum questions like “do you love me?” “Am I a good daughter?” “Am I a bad person? “Do you want me here?” “Should I have gone to work?” “Are you proud of me?”

I often ask my mum questions like these when I’m feeling insecure and need her reassurance. There was no explanation of why i asked these questions until I was diagnosed with BPD now it makes perfect sense because of the fear of abandonment making me be insecure within myself and relationships (even with my mum)

It’s hard when i get like this because I have a burst of intense emotion and then once I’ve calmed down I become emotionally and physically drained and just want to go home and sleep. I spent the rest of our day out in a bookshop while the others did their own thing, I liked it in there where I can just browse and read books in a peaceful environment where my problems are left outside as I explore the worlds of different characters in all kinds of books. Honestly bookshops seem to be my only safe place besides my bedroom.

200_s

 

NI2M

Song of the day:  I Hate You I love You by gnash ft. Olivia O’brien

DepressionDiaries: Party Time!

I’ve just come back from youth club. We were having a party since it was the last session at our venue, we’ll soon be moving somewhere else for youth club. There was food and music but no one was really dancing apart from me and a couple other people I managed to convince to dance with me, I can’t help it music just makes me want to move.

It was an interesting party. For once I got dressed up. I wore a black dress with white embroidery, a pearl necklace and a bracelet. I also actually put make up on, the last time I did that was on my birthday back in march. I wasn’t feeling so good about my appearance today, my mum was taking photos of me in my new dress and when I saw them I told her to delete them because I did not like how I looked which is why I put make up on, to disguise my faults and exaggerate the best parts of me (my eyes and my lips). Its weird because just yesterday I thought I was really pretty even without make up and thought I could do youtube with confidence but then again I was stuck in fantasy world.

Well getting dressed up clearly got me quite a bit of attention at youth club. A boy there who I think has had a thing for me since we first met (and to be honest I like him to) said I looked beautiful and didn’t seem to know what to do with himself around me (so cute) a couple of other guys were talking to me, not flirting or anything, but I think the fact that I was really dolled up compared to my usual appearance of no make up, glasses, a sweatshirt and some jeans  got heads turning. I felt so confident with the make up that my behaviour seemed to change, I was sort of making moves on the guy I like, asking if he wanted to come to the movies with me and a couple of friends then asking him to dance with me so I wouldn’t be dancing alone even though there was like three other people dancing already 😉 it led to him asking for my number by the end of the “party”

Embracing my girly side seemed to also bring out my confident, cheeky, flirty side. Like how you take on a character if you wear their costume, I became the girl within me who doesn’t often come out because I often can’t be asked to take up time to make myself look good, I just usually wake up, throw some clothes on and head out the door.

Another thing I ended up doing was talking to one of our group leaders about Borderline Personality disorder. She asked me what I do with my life and I replied with I work in a charity shop and write a blog and she asked what I write about, I said mental illness, told her I have depression and BPD. It then led her to saying the usual “I never would have guessed” “you seem so positive” e.t.c. So the conversation led to me talking with her about medication, how I believe my depression started, my thoughts and feelings as a person with a personality disorder. Some of the stuff she already knew because she studied psychology. It was still a good conversation to have since I’m good at talking about my mental health issues on my blog but not so much in face to face conversation which is something I think I should do more often.

Dol3M

 

NI2M

Song of the day:  You Get What You Give by New Radicals