DepresionDiaries: Feeling Sick, Guilty and lonely

I feel so bad today, nothing particularly bad has happened today but I feel bad. I can’t really make sense of it. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a friend and had a great time, now things have gone down hill again.

My depression has been taunting me for the past 5 days about my blog. Saying how all I’m doing is moaning about how pathetic I am and that no one actually cares about the blog. It’s made me reluctant to blog lately, the only reason I’m blogging now is because my mum convinced me that it would help.

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My weight is a bit of a worry, I had it checked yesterday for this health programme to help me eat better because I barely eat and when I do I eat Junk. My BMI is normal but only just, I’m a bit too close for comfort to being underweight and I’ve lost about a stone (pound) recently.

I’ve barely eaten today I had breakfast then roughly 6 hours later  I had dinner but I didn’t finish it. The reason why is because I spent roughly £50 on books today, I’d just got so excited looking at them all and I realised they were buy one get one half price, I ended up buying 8 books.

After realising what I had just done, I felt bad, I felt like I was wasting the money that one of my aunts gave me and that I would soon run out of money and not be able to help my mum financially. I nearly cried in the restaurant I had dinner in and ended up pushing my plate away from me, feeling sick. I still feel sick from guilt and stress probably but then again I’m not one to go clubbing and I don’t drink often or have any interest in drugs (tried smoking once, I didn’t like it) so at least I’m not spending loads of money on getting wasted just being a bookworm.

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Despite seeing a friend only yesterday, I feel very lonely, like I’m not understood and people only like me for what I can do for them not my personality.Why would anyone like my personality? I suck, you’re reading the blog of a young woman who just spent £50 on books and is building forts and drinking milk from a water bottle, desperately wanting to be a child again because being an adult is just too much for her to handle. There should probably be a name for something like this such as  “New Adult Crisis” or something.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I’m not sure when the next post will come because of how I’ve been feeling about blogging lately but thank you for reading this one. Goodbye for now

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NI2M

Song of the day:  Words by Skylar Grey 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “DepresionDiaries: Feeling Sick, Guilty and lonely

  1. Rayne says:

    Oh I can totally relate with the book obsession and wanting to be a child again. I spent all my savings on new books (and that was before I got this new job)… I feel one can never have too many and that makes me run into problems. I also just feel like saying “screw you responsibility” and just lay back watching cartoons, movies, series, or reading and playing games all day. Heck, I want to eat out of plastic bowls. Well, I’m a really clumsy person, so should actually be doing that. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  2. revengestar says:

    I have been through that stage many times too and i can totally get it, especially the part when neurotypicals don’t have any idea what’s going on and end up making you feel like shit. To offer (unsolicited) advice:
    -try eating whatever you want and make really small changes. Like tiny small. A tomato slice in your hamburger small.
    -spending on books is badass and shows you are smart and you shouldn’t feel bad in the slightest
    -start with the smallest goal. Getting out of the house. Then back in. Next day walk for 5 min. Then back in.
    -online friendship is an awsome form of friendship i would have become a mass murderer if it wasn’t of all you online awsome people! Any time you need anything, don’t hesitate to drop by and hijack a post. You deserve it!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Betty M. O'Steen says:

    I am thoroughly enjoying your blog and can totally relate to much of what you say. I, too, am a bookworm — always have been. I posted a poem yesterday on my blog that I first read the summer before I went into the 5th grade. It’s a pretty morbid poem, but one that I always knew related to my life. Check it out if you get a chance and let me know what you think. It’s in the post titled “The Cloth Covered Book”.

    Keep up the fight. It’s tough suffering from a Mental Illness, but we can survive if we keep trying. Sending good vibes your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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