Today was my first day back at work since my last suicidal episode which was about a month ago. The past two days since I came back from holiday were really good, I managed to do more than usual and felt really awesome so I thought I was ready to go back to work.
When I first arrived I was excited to start working again and manage to complete my first few tasks without too much trouble however about half way through my shift I started feeling my heart pumping faster and pain in my chest so I had to take a break. After my break I felt a little better for a while but then I started to feel really irritated and really wanted some time alone but I had some tasks to do in the last hour of my shift.
Doing those tasks was not easy, I had very little patience with anyone, it was my angry determination that got me through that last hour, I know anger is a bad emotion to feel (especially if it’s irrational) but sometimes it helps me push on, its better than getting so down that I can’t do anything.
My mum noticed how down I was and asked me if I thought I would be able to carry on with the job if it brings me down so much I said I wanted to keep going. I want to at least make it to the end of my internship before I quit. I don’t want to do what I did with college and leave half way through but sometimes my brain just doesn’t want to do the work so I either become apathetic or agitated.
Song of the day: Bulletproof by La Roux