DepressionDiaries: Small Expectations

Growing up I never really did well in school. I wasn’t the best student but I wasn’t the worst either. I was constantly told by teachers to speed up my writing to pass tests and things and peers always told me that I was dumb or ugly. I started setting the bar higher for myself to prove to myself and others that they were wrong.

Considering I did much better in my SATs than my teachers had expected and I managed to leave high school with four grade Cs and an A. To some, especially me, that wasn’t good enough. I remember discussing my high school grades with my mentor at college and he described me as an “average” student. Average. He basically told me that I would have to be more than I was to achieve my ambitions in life.

Average, Slow, Dumb, Ugly. Words that have stuck with me from childhood. Due to this lack of confidence from others and within myself I felt great pressure to push myself perhaps beyond my limits which is probably what has brought me here today. Depressed.

I’ve come across a few teachers that knew how to work with a student like me and I flourished in their classes. However, If they would set me a high target grade and I failed to meet it I would feel that I’d let them down and disappointed them.

I remember doing psychology in my first year at college and getting my results for my subjects during the summer holidays. I believed I had done my best in my psychology exam and that I would at least get a grade D but unfortunately I got a U, worse than an F. I was crushed I didn’t meet my own or my teacher’s expectations. I had gotten an A in acting but that meant nothing to me, I was too focused on the U I’d got, as far as I was concerned I had failed completely.

Average, Slow, Dumb, Ugly, Depressed.

words

 

 

NI2M

Song of the day: You’re Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring

 

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