I went to see my doctor this morning to see what could be done about my suicidal thoughts. He gave me the option to increase my medication dosage or have a referral to the crisis team. I couldn’t decide, I really didn’t want to increase my medication because I don’t want to become to dependent on them. On the other hand I’ve been to see the crisis team before and the assessor I had was useless.
In the end I opted to do both. I started on my 40mg of fluoxetine this morning and I do not like the effects I had a nap after taking them and when I woke up, my body felt heavy and I lacked any sort of feeling, I could think but I couldn’t feel. I even lay on the floor for a while because that’s how heavy my body felt, like gravity was increasing on me or something.
The crisis team got in contact sooner than I had expected and they’re coming over this evening. I’m honestly not going to get my hopes up that they will take me seriously and actually help me. I don’t know if they will hospitalise me or what. I don’t even know if hospital is the best thing for me.
I feel very out of control right now, I feel the need to cry but no tears are coming out. I’m so nervous I feel sick. I’ve banged my head against a wall a few times, I’ve scratched my skin and twanged an elastic band against my arm. I hope they come soon… I just want to get this over and done with.