DepressionDiaries: Interview Anxiety

I have an interview for one of my college choices in about a week. I’m honestly not looking forward to it, the past week has been rough and I haven’t been able to pick myself up again so I could do something productive. I’m supposed to be working on my portfolio and I had planned to do it today but I had very little sleep last night and became so invested in this game on my phone that I was playing it for hours.

I’m contemplating cancelling the interview so I don’t have to worry about it but that’s a lame excuse isn’t it?

I don’t really think its the right place for me because of the distance I would have to travel even though I got a really good impression of it at the open day, My alternate choice is a lot more convenient and would be less hassle for me. Does that make me lazy? I just want to go to the college that I would find easiest to attend.

Maybe I’m not even ready to go to a new college after failing so epically at my last one. I don’t know, I’ll have to see how I am over time.

Funny-Interview-Question-Answers

NI2M

Song of the day:  Monster by Skillet

 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Small Expectations

Growing up I never really did well in school. I wasn’t the best student but I wasn’t the worst either. I was constantly told by teachers to speed up my writing to pass tests and things and peers always told me that I was dumb or ugly. I started setting the bar higher for myself to prove to myself and others that they were wrong.

Considering I did much better in my SATs than my teachers had expected and I managed to leave high school with four grade Cs and an A. To some, especially me, that wasn’t good enough. I remember discussing my high school grades with my mentor at college and he described me as an “average” student. Average. He basically told me that I would have to be more than I was to achieve my ambitions in life.

Average, Slow, Dumb, Ugly. Words that have stuck with me from childhood. Due to this lack of confidence from others and within myself I felt great pressure to push myself perhaps beyond my limits which is probably what has brought me here today. Depressed.

I’ve come across a few teachers that knew how to work with a student like me and I flourished in their classes. However, If they would set me a high target grade and I failed to meet it I would feel that I’d let them down and disappointed them.

I remember doing psychology in my first year at college and getting my results for my subjects during the summer holidays. I believed I had done my best in my psychology exam and that I would at least get a grade D but unfortunately I got a U, worse than an F. I was crushed I didn’t meet my own or my teacher’s expectations. I had gotten an A in acting but that meant nothing to me, I was too focused on the U I’d got, as far as I was concerned I had failed completely.

Average, Slow, Dumb, Ugly, Depressed.

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NI2M

Song of the day: You’re Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring

 

DepressionDiaries: Way too tired

I hope this works. I’m typing this out on my phone. I’ve just left my grandparents’ house and I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep until 3-4 am last night.

I went to have lunch with my dad, I didn’t talk much, I mainly just pierced the lime in my glass with a straw. I didn’t eat much either just a bowl of soup which I didn’t even finish and a few chips.

After lunch I went to my grandparent’s house to celebrate my nan’s 80th
birthday. I spent a while playing with the dog but it wasn’t long before I had to lie down because I was so tired.

So not a very interesting day today just waiting for my mum to come out of McDonald’s so we can go home and I can sleep the rest of the day away.

NI2M

song of the day: Angel with a shotgun by The Cab

DepressionDiaries: The hardest question to answer

HOW ARE YOU?

if you’re mentally ill, this question and other variations of it are really difficult to answer. I get this sort of question a lot not as an “oh I genuinely care about how you are” Its a more of a small talk question you ask to be polite. People tend not to actually care about the answer and they expect the usual “I’m okay” or “I’m alright”

I try to be honest when I get this question from friends but I don’t go into great detail unless they want me to and most of the time they don’t because they brush aside what I’ve just said and start talking about their own problems. I shouldn’t be calling these people my friends really.

I usually say things like “I’m not the best” “I could be better” or just “Not good” now if I was to go into greater detail straight away the answers would be;

“Lonely”  “Exhausted”  “Fed up”  “Stressed out”  “Out of touch with reality”  “Sleep-deprived”   “hating myself”   “struggling”

and there are probably many more honest answers I could give but that will do for now. So it’s basically you want to be honest but you also fear people’s response, like they’ll criticise you, become uncomfortable or simply brush your answer aside like it doesn’t matter.

All the fun of having a mental illness (!)

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NI2M

Song of the day: My Demons by Starset

DepressionDiaries: New Books!

I went on a trip to St Albans today. It was a long trip, we spent about 5-6 hours there and I was so exhausted than when I got back, I promptly fell asleep (I just woke up) Despite my tiredness it was a good day out; I had a really good meal that I ate so much of I felt sick, I got my phone upgraded and I bought some new books.

I love going into bookshops and buying books, unfortunately I haven’t been reading as much as I would like to because of my depression. The books are both to do with mental health/ illness.

The first one is called It’s kind of a funny story by Ned Vizzini .

It’s about a boy whoIts-Kind-Of-A-Funny-Story gets checked into a mental hospital after having a suicidal episode. It may not sound it but it’s actually supposed to be quite funny, the author himself struggled with Anxiety and depression and spent time in the psychiatric ward so I guess he uses humour to deal with his mental health issues, like me. Oh and the book was also made into a movie which I will watch if I like the book.

 

The second book is called The Psychopath test by Jon Ronson.

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Again this book is quite comical, it’s about a man who goes on a journey to find out if society is driven by insanity. He meets those who are considered psychopaths and those who diagnose them, learning how to spot a psychopath makes him realise that insanity could be at the heart of everything; its because of this that he starts to question what normality is and how we define it.

Both seem very interesting reads, I’ll probably do a review on each of them when I’ve finished reading them (which may take a while)

NI2M

Song of the day: Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Colourful Creations

I didn’t end up going into work today, I was way too tired due to insomnia and possibly my increased dose of fluoxetine. So instead, I did some colouring in. I used my Travel themed colouring book since traveling the world is a big thing for me. They’re not finished (I kept getting side tracked and changing pages to colour in) but I hope you like them 🙂

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NI2M

Song of the day:  My Conscience by Codi Kaye

 

DepressionDiaries: Taking it easy…

Today, I haven’t really done much besides watching youtube videos and colouring in my travel themed adult colouring book but I’m okay with that. After yesterday it’s nice to finally have a calm day. Yesterday, I went to see my doctor about my suicidal thoughts, got my meds dose increased and had a visit from the crisis team.

Now I think should try and take things easy and slower instead of rushing around everywhere trying to do so many things at once and rushing my recovery. I plan to go into work tomorrow but I may not work for so long. I’ve been working for four hours a day, four days a week adding up to over the minimum of 12 hours a week I have to do for my internship. Therefore I may cut down my hours to 12 just until I get used to the new dose and get the right help.

NI2M

Song of the day:  Valerie by Amy Winehouse

DepressionDiaries: The Crisis team have been and gone

The two assessors from the crisis team who came over to assess me just left a little while ago. Our session went much better than I had expected. I had my mum with me so she could speak for me when I couldn’t which was pretty much the whole time.

When they first arrived I was very anxious, I even had a mild panic attack just before they came to my house (I say it was mild because I was hyperventilating, feeling sick and my head went funny but compared to other panic attacks I’ve had this one was mild)

They were here for just over an hour but they were very patient and listened to everything my mum and I had to say and they actually took me seriously! which was a relief. As I grew more comfortable with them I began talking more and being honest with them.

I will not be put into hospital but they do see that I need help so they are going to write up a report on me and send it to the right people (i.e. my current counsellor) they’re hoping to get me more regular and consistent help instead of just seeing a counsellor once a month.

I feel better after talking to them but the anxiety has drained me so I am super tired right now. I think once I’ve eaten dinner I’m going to go to bed and have an early night (if I actually get to sleep)

NI2M

 

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Crisis team are coming!

I went to see my doctor this morning to see what could be done about my suicidal thoughts. He gave me the option to increase my medication dosage or have a referral to the crisis team. I couldn’t decide, I really didn’t want to increase my medication because I don’t want to become to dependent on them. On the other hand I’ve been to see the crisis team before and the assessor I had was useless.

In the end I opted to do both. I started on my 40mg of fluoxetine this morning and I do not like the effects I had a nap after taking them and when I woke up, my body felt heavy and I lacked any sort of feeling, I could think but I couldn’t feel. I even lay on the floor for a while because that’s how heavy my body felt, like gravity was increasing on me or something.

The crisis team got in contact sooner than I had expected and they’re coming over this evening. I’m honestly not going to get my hopes up that they will take me seriously and actually help me. I don’t know if they will hospitalise me or what. I don’t even know if hospital is the best thing for me.

I feel very out of control right now, I feel the need to cry but no tears are coming out. I’m so nervous I feel sick. I’ve banged my head against a wall a few times, I’ve scratched my skin and twanged an elastic band against my arm. I hope they come soon… I just want to get this over and done with.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: I Need Help (Please Help Me)

I hoped I would never have to make a post like this but I do so here it goes. I need help my suicidal thoughts have been worse I just don’t think my life is worth living and I am nothing special.

Over the past few days I have not been myself, my thoughts have been plagued with suicidal intent and my depression has such a power over me that I feel I can’t communicate my feelings. I’ve even gone as far as planning my suicide, none of my family or friends know of my plan and this is the only place I feel I can write down my true feelings because it’s anonymous.

In my previous post I wrote about how the month of March was a curse for me and those closest to me. What I didn’t mention however is that I plan to end my life in that month of next year to “end the curse”

I don’t truly want to kill myself but I feel that there is no other option and I may do it sooner than March the way I’m going. I can’t trust myself, I don’t feel in control, I don’t want to kill myself but I feel like I have to like it would be better for everyone if I just died.

What’s wrong with me? What do I do? Please, if you can, help me!