DepressionDiaries: Regrets…

Ever think back on your life and think “damn, I wish I  hadn’t done that” or “I wish I had done that”? This was the position I was in last night, tossing and turning, trying to sleep while memories that I’ve been trying to push away crawl  back into my conscious mind.

Some of them weren’t even bad memories though. I used to attend a performing arts weekend school and I had forgotten how much fun I had there until last night. What I regret from that part of my life was quitting the school because my former college was taking up so much of my time and I was struggling to stay on top of the work so I felt I had to give up the weekend school.

Speaking of my old college, I regret not leaving that place sooner like I said I had to give up things I actually enjoyed for that place even though it was making me very ill. I had taken medical sick leave from the college twice both times for two weeks. The first time was because I had attempted to overdose on my antidepressants, after my first sick leave I went back to my old college to try and do better there. However after not being back for very long, my suicidal thoughts had returned and I basically gave a friend a suicide note over facebook she got me to talk to my mum and I was back on sick leave again.

Believe it or not after that sick leave I returned to my college to try again. This time I’d lasted about two months before I made the decision to quit completely. I had no enjoyment in my subjects and I would often hide in the bathroom to cry as I couldn’t cope. Looking back, I should have left that place after my first suicide attempt instead of forcing myself to go back and put myself through so much distress, for what? some “friends” who haven’t bothered to contact me or see how I’m doing since I left and to complete courses that I no longer had interest in and, therefore, was not going to do well in?

So those have been my regrets there are probably more but I try not to think too much about the past. I’m currently looking for a new college that will allow me to do a photography course (something which I am actually interested in) I have an open evening to see my second potential college tonight so you’ll probably get a blog post  about that as well today.

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