DepressionDiaries: Taking care of myself is a chore

Over the past few weeks I have not been taking care myself as well as I should, it just doesn’t seem worth it. I don’t care about impressing anyone so I’m not worried about how I look.

I haven’t been washing my hair as often as I need to. It’s really greasy and I need to cut it but I can’t be asked.

I have dry skin on my face and hands that I should put cream on but I can’t be asked.

I should be wearing my retainers because my teeth have started moving again but, guess what, I can’t be asked.

Everything such as washing and wearing decent clothes, things that I used to take so seriously, I’m not bothered about and do them in a way that requires the least amount of effort.

Taking care of myself just seems so trivial and I go out looking rough with tension lines on my face from stress and dark circles from lack of or disturbed sleep. Even matching socks is hard for me now.

I usually wake up, eat something, have a quick wash and throw some clothes on, not really caring about how I look, people should just be grateful that I am even out of bed!

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NI2M

 

 

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DepressionDiaries: I relapsed…

*Warning: This post talks about self harm

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It was about 2am in the morning and I had been thinking about everything I could remember including self harming. I just kept imagining cutting myself and thinking “I really want to cut myself, I know I shouldn’t but I really want to”

Eventually I gave in to temptation, found a set of old keys and scratched my arm twice with them. Today I wore my elastic band on my wrist and twanged it against my skin. Thing is, today has been a good day but I still had self harm on the brain. It’s weird.

Despite this today has been a good day at work and I’m in a good mood but then again I had coffee to wake myself up a bit today so I could just be on a caffeine high right now.

I’ll be going back into work tomorrow even though it’s supposed to be one of my days off so I can make up for lost time after I missed Wednesday.

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DepressionDiaries: Chest pain & catching up

I went back into work today after having yesterday off and I had a pretty positive view this morning on going. However, when I started doing till work a load of people came in and I was under pressure, at one point I had several people waiting to be served and other customers asking me questions while I was trying to do till work. My brain was so confused and I start feeling panicky, my heart beat faster to the point that my chest felt tight and had a dull ache. I knew I had to stop otherwise I probably would have had a panic attack so I asked my manger if I could take a break and get someone else to take over.

After finally being able to close up the shop, I did not feel good, I felt fed up and wanted to be alone but I was meeting up with a friend so I couldn’t.

When I came to seeing my friend we actually had a very good time, we hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks  so we had some catching up to do. We discussed our mental health and how things have been. I like this friend because she was there for me at my worst and still is, I feel I can talk to her about anything. I don’t see her very often because she lives outside of town but I like it that way, I need my space from people and speaking to the same person or people every day causes me problems because what are you supposed to talk about with someone you were with just the day before? and I find distance helps improve my relationship with others because when we do get together it makes our time more special and you appreciate each other that bit more.

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DepressionDiaries: Feeling weighed down

I called in sick to work today because I just did not feel up to it. As soon as I woke up I thought “I’ll give myself another 10 minutes in bed” well, 10 minutes turned to 20, 20 minutes turned to 30 and 30 minutes turned to “I don’t think I’ll go into work today so I can sleep for a few more hours”

I had no motivation to get up and do anything, I just fully woke up half an hour ago. I don’t even have the motivation to get myself some food. I think the best way to describe how I feel today is weighed down.

My depression is making me believe that I can’t handle everything and maybe I can’t, it’s making me feel weighed down to my bed and doesn’t want me to move from it. I’ve been getting headaches and I’ve been getting so tense that my legs start aching as well.

Yet even though my depression doesn’t want me to move, it’s punishing me for not going anywhere by telling me things like “you don’t deserve good food” “you don’t deserve to see your friend tomorrow” “you don’t deserve anything good because you didn’t go into work today”

It sucks, today really sucks. I hope tomorrow is better.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Open day #2

I’ve just recently got back from viewing my second potential new college and compared to the first college I saw, I didn’t like it very much. I mean it wasn’t all bad, the surrounding area was pleasant (plenty of places nearby to eat out) and the building looked fantastic, not completely modern but not completely old either.

However the first issue is actually getting to the college, I would have to take a train and a bus which would take me about an hour at least but, as I said to my parents, if the college was worth it I would make that journey. The second issue I had with it were the teachers, they did not seem as enthusiastic as the teacher I saw in my first one and the way they would get us to work seemed very controlled (even though photography is about expression and creativity)

My final issue with this college was that it was similar to the one I left a while ago. It was all about “success rates” and them showing off the facilities they had, there did not seem to be much consideration for the students at all.

So clearly, college #1 seems to be my best bet although I have one last potential college to see in May but I will set up an interview with college #1 in the meantime.

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DepressionDiaries: Regrets…

Ever think back on your life and think “damn, I wish I  hadn’t done that” or “I wish I had done that”? This was the position I was in last night, tossing and turning, trying to sleep while memories that I’ve been trying to push away crawl  back into my conscious mind.

Some of them weren’t even bad memories though. I used to attend a performing arts weekend school and I had forgotten how much fun I had there until last night. What I regret from that part of my life was quitting the school because my former college was taking up so much of my time and I was struggling to stay on top of the work so I felt I had to give up the weekend school.

Speaking of my old college, I regret not leaving that place sooner like I said I had to give up things I actually enjoyed for that place even though it was making me very ill. I had taken medical sick leave from the college twice both times for two weeks. The first time was because I had attempted to overdose on my antidepressants, after my first sick leave I went back to my old college to try and do better there. However after not being back for very long, my suicidal thoughts had returned and I basically gave a friend a suicide note over facebook she got me to talk to my mum and I was back on sick leave again.

Believe it or not after that sick leave I returned to my college to try again. This time I’d lasted about two months before I made the decision to quit completely. I had no enjoyment in my subjects and I would often hide in the bathroom to cry as I couldn’t cope. Looking back, I should have left that place after my first suicide attempt instead of forcing myself to go back and put myself through so much distress, for what? some “friends” who haven’t bothered to contact me or see how I’m doing since I left and to complete courses that I no longer had interest in and, therefore, was not going to do well in?

So those have been my regrets there are probably more but I try not to think too much about the past. I’m currently looking for a new college that will allow me to do a photography course (something which I am actually interested in) I have an open evening to see my second potential college tonight so you’ll probably get a blog post  about that as well today.

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DepressionDiaries: Tired, stressed and aching

I ended up leaving work an hour early today because I felt bad physically and mentally. Physically I had a headache,I think I must have done something to my back since that’s been aching as well, and also my legs.

Mentally I was irritable and lethargic, I felt like too much was being asked of me today as I had to rush about everywhere to do different tasks. I managed to have about half an hour to calm myself down though because I was working on the till but it was very quiet so I took some time to colour in an adult’s colouring book that couldn’t be sold because some of the pages had already been filled in.

I did not feel like I could put up with much today so I was lucky that we had no troublesome customers today otherwise I don’t know what I would have done.

My head is really starting to ache again now so I’m going to take some painkillers and try to sleep it off

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DepressionDiaries: WTF is Happening to Youtube?! (warning: contains strong language)

My favourite thing to do over the past few years has been to watch youtubers play games or vlog in fun and interesting ways. It used to be my escape from bullying and high school drama but now those things have come in to youtube since it has become more of job for people it’s become a more “Every person for themselves” kind of mentality and a survival of the fittest type of lifestyle.

I’ve seen some of my favourite youtubers roast eachother and fan communities turning on eachother for liking the youtuber they don’t and I’m sat there like “but I like both of them, why should I have to take sides?”

Youtubers have helped me through my days of living with depression because it was all about the youtuber enjoying making the videos that made me enjoy them but now if a youtuber  gets accused of something (even with no evidence) a mob mentality kicks in and that person is harassed to the point of them becoming severely distressed and miserable (cyberbullying basically)

It just sucks that something that used to help me deal with my depression is now actually making me more depressed because the bullshit that I used youtube to escape from is now a part of it. People gossiping about and harassing eachother, online fights going down like those in a school fucking playground.

I’m sorry for the swearing but I am just so upset right now, and all of what is going on makes me not want to be a youtuber anymore even though I’ve wanted  to since I was about 15 years old. I’ve cried over it, even though you’d probably think that its nothing really to cry about but that’s how much youtube has meant to me all these years.

I guess I’ll just have to find something else to amuse myself with, anyone got any ideas?

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NI2M

 

 

DepressionDiaries: Living on autopilot

Today was my first nothing day in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t have to go to work or the shops and I had the house to myself but despite the fact that I could just relax all day I had been very restless. My body and my brain must have gotten used to going out everyday either to work, go to the shops or see family that having a day where I don’t have to do any of those things made me agitated.

So I ended up going for a  walk, I stopped at a newsagents to get myself a magazine, some crisps and a drink just so my journey had some kind of purpose. Since I ‘ve been working more regularly I’ve gotten into a routine of getting up at a certain time every morning and being very busy in the afternoons. I don’t even have to think about doing tasks such as making tea I just automatically do it without really taking anything in which causes me some memory problems.

For example the last time I went to see my counsellor he asked how my day had been the day before and my mind drew a blank, I can hardly remember anything of my week, I more or less live my life on autopilot nowadays; detached from my surroundings and just doing the task at hand basically just getting through my day by doing what my routine dictates.

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DepressionDiaries: A clean month

I am very proud to say that it has been a month since I last self harmed. That may not seem like very long to some people but to me its a huge achievement. It means I’ve managed to deal with stress and difficult times without resorting to self harm for four weeks.

To celebrate and reward myself I went to a restaurant that I haven’t had the chance to go to in over a year, It was amazing. I had cheesy nachos, pizza and, my favourite dessert that I can’t get at other restaurants that I know of, cookie dough.

I do admit it wasn’t easy though, a couple of days ago I had to move a pair of scissors out of my immediate reach because I was tempted to cut myself with them. This shows some improvement since I first came down with depression about 6 months ago where I would self harm nearly every day!

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NI2M