DepressionDiaries: Too scared to sleep

It’s currently 3:15 am and I have not been to sleep. I ‘m worried I’m going to have nightmares to do with the sexual harassment incident I had earlier. I’m scared of reporting it in case no one takes me seriously. I’m scared of seeing him again. I’m scared of having more creeps like him slithering into my life. I’m scared for my friend’s safety, the one who was with me, in case he finds her and approaches her.

If this is how my life is going to go on, with people always taking advantage of my kindness, I’m not sure I want to live it anymore. I wish I was meaner then everyone who only wants me for my body or what I can give and do for them will leave me alone. Why did this have to happen? Why am I so stupid?

I wish I could forget the harsh roughness of his beard on my cheek. I wish I could forget his arm possessively around me like a boa constrictor. I wish I could forget the feeling of horror and disgust as I realised what kind of person he was. I wish I just grabbed my friend, turned and ran as soon as I realised he was too old. I wish I hadn’t approached him at all but I thought he was my age at a distance and I thought we would just introduce ourselves and possibly exchange numbers. Why did I get my hopes up that a young, decent guy would be attracted to me?

Of course I’m not good enough for anyone decent and of course people see my kindness as a weakness for them to take advantage of. I’m so sick of people like that in my life, I’m so sick of being taken advantage of, I’m so sick of being me I just want to die.


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