DepressionDiaries: Dogsitter for an afternoon

I didn’t sleep well last night; Surprise, surprise(!) and I didn’t get out of  bed until 2pm. The only reason I got up at all was because my mum wanted me to help get some stuff over to my grandparent’s house for their anniversary. When I entered the home I realised that my aunt’s dog was there on her own while everyone else was out so I volunteered to keep her company until my Nan, Grandad and Aunt came home.

About a year ago I would not have been in the same room as a dog for more than a couple of minutes without freezing in terror because when I was very young a dog had leapt on me and pushed me to the floor, I had been scared of dogs since but I’ve been working on my fear with my aunt’s dog, she’s very small and trustworthy to my family so she was the best dog to start with.

Now this afternoon I was volunteering to look after her for a couple of hours on my own! my younger self would think I was crazy but she was actually very good with me, she didn’t bark or growl which does still scare me a bit when dogs do that. I even took her out for a walk for the first time on my own.

The energy required to look after a dog did drain me though especially considering the fact I got very little sleep last night but now I’m finally home feeling relieved and quite proud of myself for conquering my fear and spending my day doing something besides sleeping and watching youtube videos.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: A very busy but very good day

I slept through the night! I went to sleep at approximately 11pm and didn’t wake up until 10am this morning which I planned to do. After weeks of not sleeping until the early hours of the morning having a night like this where I actually sleep during the night is a miracle.

I wanted to be up at 10am so I could have enough time to get ready to go into the town centre. When I arrived the first thing I did was go into work and talk to my manager about my internship, I’ll be starting it this Friday and it will take up about 12 hours of my week, every week which means I won’t waste so much time lying in bed trying to distract myself from life’s problems.

After that I went shopping and then met up with a few friends of mine, we had some laughs when they left I decided I would treat myself to lunch at my favourite restaurant for A) getting up at the planned time/not sleeping in until late afternoon and B) finally doing a task that I should’ve done a while back.

My stomach is full of good food (not healthy but really tasty) my body feels so relaxed now it finally is back in bed after rushing around for the last 5- 6 hours and I feel so proud of myself for actually doing stuff today. I hope to get days like this more often.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Why I love ‘Inside Out’

I know this is months late for a review of the movie but I’ve just been thinking about how the movie Inside Out is not only entertaining but also educational. If you haven’t seen the movie I recommend that you because there are spoilers ahead.

So it’s clear that the main character, Riley, goes through a time of depression when she has to move house, town and school. While Joy tries to keep Riley happy all the  time it’s hard for the other emotions (fear, anger, disgust and especially sadness)to interfere. However when an accident with Riley’s memories both Joy and Sadness are sucked out of the headquarters through a tube.

Without the presence of these two emotions Anger, Disgust and fear are left in control, this leads to Riley having depression. What I like about this portrayal of depression is that Sadness is not even in headquarters and, therefore, not in control of Riley in any way during this time. Opposing the stigma that depression is “just about being sad” when it’s not.

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Fear, Anger and Disgust are in charge of the console in Riley’s “Head quarters”

 

Disgust causes Riley to become repulsed by most things. Fear makes her anxious in situations while anger makes her resentful and causes her to lash out. Eventually, towards the climax of the movie, the console that the emotions use to control Riley stops working and Riley becomes disconnected from her emotions and feels nothing which can be the case for those who have depression.

That’s why Inside Out is one of my favourite movies  not only because it featured a mental illness but also because it opposed the depression stereotype. It gives me comfort to know that mental health issues are starting to be acknowledged by the media.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: I slept nearly all day… again!

Its four in the afternoon and I’ve only just fully woken up. I woke up at 10am to take my tablet as usual then fell straight back to sleep, I was too tired to even think about getting up.

The same thing happened yesterday and the day before that. I’ve been too wired to sleep at night and I don’t fall asleep until the sun come up. I always think to myself “I’ll still get up at 10 to do stuff, at least I will have had a few hours sleep”

Contrary to my belief I end up sleeping pretty much all day. I hate it, I planned to have a morning walk to the shops to wake myself up a bit but that didn’t happen. I was so excited to get some stuff done during the day last night and now I feel rubbish because I slept instead of doing those things.

I have something planned for tomorrow afternoon, I’m hoping it will motivate me to get up early enough to do it. I’ll feel awful if I don’t do it. I’ve already cancelled enough plans over the last week.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Addiction to Fiction

Usually addictions are classified as smoking, drinking, self harming e.t.c. Granted I used to be addicted to self harming and I still occasionally do it if I am feeling really low but I don’t think its an addiction for me anymore more like a last resort method to deal with stress.

Now however I realise that I have become addicted to the world of fantasy, I’ve become attached to certain works of fiction such as Undertale and BBC Merlin (even though the show has ended)

I would read fanfiction and come up with scenarios where I would be a part of the characters’ world. I would wish that the characters were real so I could be a part of their lives. With Undertale I’ve been reading comics and watching animations for it. With Merlin I’ve had marathons where I would watch a bunch of episodes in one day, I also watch fan videos for the show on youtube.

I think its because I yearn for adventure and excitement in my life like in the world of undertale and Merlin. I also think its because I want relationships like some of the characters, I would really like a friend who’s as loyal to  me as Merlin is to Arthur but like I said, they’re works of fiction it’s not real and I use them as merely an escape from reality.

I need to face reality instead of trying to forget about and escape from it. I need to change my life to how I want it to be instead of sleeping, watching youtube videos and reading fanfiction all day.

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DepressionDiaries: Movie night fears

I just got back from a movie marathon at the cinema I went to today with my friends I had a great time though since the whole sexual harassment incident, going out with my friends at 9pm scared the hell out of me. Even the prospect of walking across a road so late at night on my own got my nerves wracking. It wasn’t until I was with my friends that I felt safe.

During the break between the two movies, I went to get snacks, there was a long queue and I was fine until my friend left to wait for me a little further off. It was then I realised where I was and that I was alone with a couple of strangers quite close behind me that’s when anxiety kicked in.

I had a load of irrational thoughts in my head like “Oh my days, what am I doing?” “There are so many strangers” “better be careful of the people behind me in case they try something” “Why am I here?” “I should just go back to my seat and forget the snacks” “I don’t think I can do this”

Just as my vision started blurring one of the cashiers asked who was next, luckily, that was me so I was able to get the snacks before I had a big nervous breakdown in public. Apart from that I got really into the movies  and was I’m so proud of myself for not letting my fears get the best of me.

Movie-nightNI2M

 

DepressionDiaries: I need a routine

As I said I would do in my previous post, I discussed my problems with sleep with my counsellor. We both think that my sleep pattern may have got worse because of the distress that the sexual harassment incident caused me. However, my sleep was pretty bad before the incident so he suggested that my sleep problems may be due to a lack of routine.

The down side to not being in college anymore is that I no longer have a timetable that helps me keep track of what to do and when, I don’t have to be up for a specific time everyday so I can sleep until whenever I want to which causes me to stay awake until late at night since I spent most of the day asleep.

I honestly have no idea how I’m going to get a routine. I’ll need to discuss my work hours for my internship with my manager, go to bed and wake up at a certain time everyday and I’ll probably need to cut down on how many hours I spend on the computer (God, help me!)

I’ve been told that having a routine can be good for people with depression because you’re so used to that routine you don’t have to thinking about doing anything, you almost automatically do it without thinking. At least that’s what I’ve been told so, hopefully it will be worth it to have better sleep and be able to cope with the day better.

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NI2M

DepressionDiaries: My sleep pattern is so messed up

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It is currently 2:15 in the morning and I am wide awake. I slept from 5am until about 2pm today. I’ve been having a few nights like this where I don’t sleep until dawn and then sleep most of the day. Even after spending so much time asleep today I started feeling tired at around 9pm so I thought I better try and have an early night for once, I slept until about 1am and then woke up again and now here I am wide awake, wondering what to do with myself.

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The problem I have is that I can be really tired but as soon as I lie down to sleep my brain goes on this big thought rollercoaster. It makes me fearful, makes me excited, makes me depressed all very quickly. So then I end up finding something for my brain to concentrate on to stop the thought rollercoaster, for example, listening to music. This makes me relax and feel sleepy again so I lie down to sleep and my brain goes back on it’s thought rollercoaster and the cycle repeats a few times Every. Damn. Night.

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The sleeping pills I took for about a week a while back have made very little difference. If anything my sleep pattern has become much worse recently and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m seeing my counsellor this afternoon, I will probably discuss it with him.

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Welp, better try and sleep again I suppose,

NI2M

DepressionDiaries: Songs for the depressed

I really love these 5 songs because I can relate to them and some of them make me feel better about my depression. Here are the 5 songs:

Nightcore – I’m gonna show you crazy: This song makes me think of accepting that I am mentally ill and not being worried about hiding it any longer. The song contains strong language and the original version is by Bebe Rexha.

Nightcore – Titanium (Dreamcorechan) : I love this song as the original but what I like about this nightcore version is that the girl singing sounds as if she’s been hurt so much that she no longer cares what someone does or says to her because she is “Titanium” The original version is by David Guetta ft Sia

Nightcore – When she cries: This song starts off rather negative but the last part gives me hope by referring to God and quotes (which you probably know I love) There is also a line I can strongly relate to it says “Maybe making me bleed would be the answer that could wash the slate clean” this, to me, means that they believe that if they self harm it would make them feel better, logic which I use when I am tempted to self harm. The original version is by Britt Nicole.

Nightcore- F**king Perfect (Male version) – I really like the original version of the song by Pink but what I like about the Nightcore version is that its sung by a male, showing that men can be emotional as well. The song reminds that I am not alone in having sucky experiences in life but also reminds me that I am loved no matter what.

Nightcore – Dark side: This song reminds me that nobody is perfect and I am worthy of love. The original version is by Kelly Clarkson.

I’ve listed the Nightcore versions of the songs because they are my preferred versions to listen to but please do check out the original versions!

I hope you like them as much as I do 🙂

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NI2M

 

DepressionDiaries: Feeling better

The last couple of days have been tough. I’ve felt suicidal and self harmed again by scratching and punching myself. Over the past two nights since the sexual harassment incident I couldn’t sleep until around 5-6 am. So a very tough couple of days.

Today I went to the police station to make a statement because I was worried that the guy who harassed me could do the same or worse to someone else. They took the issue more seriously than I thought but since the man wasn’t known to them, they weren’t too worried about him being dangerous. However, Its been reported and he’s on their records now so they are aware that there is someone rather…dodgy around the area I live in.

I am so relieved that the situation has been sorted out. I’ll be sure to be more careful when I am out in public though. Still won’t stop me going to work and hanging around with my friends.

NI2M